Thursday, June 14, 2018

Postscript to the Dad Chronicles


Throughout the past three years or so of Caeli’s life, many of you have reached out to me at one point or another saying how much they enjoyed reading the Dad Chronicles and for some of you, I saw a bit of disappointment in your faces when I told you I was closing the series permanently last November. Those of you who did keep up with the three of us caught a much deeper insight into our lives than I normally would have divulged, and for that reason alone it was time to end the procession; it didn’t exactly help that I was emotionally worn out from sharing the story time and time again. Was it the anticipation from providing updates every Monday for those precarious five-and-a-half months in the NICU that did it for me, or the best way I could channel my thoughts and feelings through that season?

For the past sixteen months or so, I’ve done less blogging and more living; for that, I am eternally grateful to my immediate family specifically Chastity and Caeli for letting me hang out around them as much as I have in the past year.

I know I told our family friends Will and Misty that I was going to stop writing last year when we were in Helena for the opening of the Freeman Playground, and aside from the last obligatory Prematurity Awareness Day post from November 17, it has been easy enough to leave well enough alone. I still send pictures to a handful of the remaining inner circle throughout the year but that is pretty much it.



Wonder Woman is my inspiration to build a legacy. In addition to being remembered as a good dude and better Daddy, I hope to leave Caeli something tangible that she can see and successfully own in a world that seemingly values people less and less. She knows every day is a GREAT day for barbecue, and so should the rest of you. 

But seriously…I’ve been working on my small business venture that hopefully one day soon replaces my Rineco (now Heritage) income and gives me something I haven’t had since 2003:  a daytime role that puts me at home at night. Currently, Dub Shack BBQ is strictly a catering- and box lunches- type of outfit; I’m just not prepared for a storefront at this time yet each time I’ve taken off from work this year has made my eventual return to the graveyard shift more difficult. Then there is the church and all its obligations; congregants kind of like seeing me regularly even if my work schedule isn’t exactly conducive to having a real participatory role in growth and of course, changing the culture to a more inclusive, Christ-driven and -centered one via divorcing ourselves from the multigenerational pettiness passed down from one to the following a la the Israelites in Moses’s day. In the year since my ordination, there are times when I do feel like I am more of do-gooder than a do-GREATER; combine that with the fluffernutter (the former New Englander in me just came out. Oops) and I’ve had periods of doubt and quietly wondering if entering the diaconate was the right call. More of that in a future post.

We’ll still fight as advocates for premature babies and the developmental schools they need to reach their full potential. After all that our daughter has endured in addition to the friends she’s made, leaving for big school – Collegeville Elementary – in a few years is going to require a serious readjustment on my part. What is certain at this point in my life is that I will NOT return to the classroom in a fulltime, certified capacity because I don’t want to ever want to feel the hopelessness of career burnout again. That I had worked so hard to become in my words ‘a damn good English teacher and molder of minds’ to chunk the deuces toward my undergraduate labor with impunity perhaps showed me that my own happiness should’ve superseded paying the bills once my cushion was comfortable enough for a good night’s sleep instead of thinking I could save the world and sidestep district politics.

All in all, and sorry for the misdirected rants, thank you for reading the Dad Chronicles over the years and keeping up with AD&AD. In the future, there may be a podcast (Aaron, Rickey or Lauren, I’m looking at one of you although anyone with a decent setup who wants to chew the fat online would suffice). Editing days tend to really suck from a blogger’s perspective and somehow, I’m sadistic enough to welcome the challenge of lending my voice and opinions to a different medium.

Y’all stay woke; I’m staying #CaeliStrong

Friday, May 25, 2018

I Like Big (Pork) Butts and I Cannot Lie


A couple of years ago, I gave a mini-tutorial of Daddy’s Ribs and because I didn’t identify the secret spices, I am back for the tutorial for Boston butts and pork shoulders. You’re going to need to have plenty of downtime if a reliable citizen of the community who can manage temperature while you sleep is unavailable; most of time, I cook my butts and shoulders overnight as the rest of the world slumbers. Perhaps it’s a byproduct of working overnights for the past decade and I bet that has quite a bit to do with it, yet I’m also certain the proliferation of barbecue shows on TV and YouTube have had something to do with it.

But before I get into smoking pork butts and shoulders, this is the story of how I got into the barbecue business:  Several years ago, my girlfriend (now wife) and I moved in together and as new Saline County residents, we sampled a lot of restaurant food for the first few months. Her cousin recommended a barbecue joint in town which shall remain nameless because it seemed to have that Everyman appeal, so naturally we drove over one Saturday afternoon. To summarize the trip, I was less than impressed with what the locals called barbecue, and the racist treatment we received sure didn’t help my perception of the joint. To this day I don’t know how that joint stays open nor do I care if they ever turn a profit.



As I became a homeowner, my priorities shifted from dealing with mediocre barbecue to making my own great chow; over the course of the past four years, what seemed to simply be a hobby has migrated to a viable way toward providing a living and (potentially) being at home each night with my family. I haven’t quite figured out how or when to take that leap of faith, but it is in my prayers that becoming a small business owner affords me the time with them and a comfortable lifestyle. Just as athletes spend hours practicing shooting jump shots or public figures practice public speaking, I’ve had to work at becoming a pit master through hours of trial and error, new equipment and its idiosyncrasies, fire management (I don’t do gas or electric), and learning how to cook various meats. There are some things I haven’t tried yet such as alligator and mutton, and stuff that I wouldn’t get anywhere near like roadkill.

For today let’s focus on Boston butts and pork shoulders. If you recall reading Dad’s Stress Reliever from two years ago, I did walk you through how I cook ribs on my beloved Oklahoma Joe smoker. Here’s what you need to make comparable meat that everyone will love you for:

Dub Shack BBQ Pulled Pork
Yellow Mustard
Big 6 Dry Rub (I still won’t reveal the secret spices)
Applewood chunks
Mop Sauce
Apple juice or apple cider vinegar
½ can beer or soda of your choice
Honey
Hot Sauce
Barbecue sauce of your choice

First things first:  When you unwrap the meat from its packaging for the first time, please do not forget to wash off the meat of any phosphates or chemicals that helped keep its color in the store! It is also extremely important that the meat gets handled with clean hands because of food safety. In the restaurant or along the side of the road, gloves are expected; at home, our hands still need to be clean before handling food to prevent contamination.

Once meat is washed and patted dry, cover the butt up with yellow mustard. Trust me, you won’t be able to taste it; mustard serves as a binder for the Big 6 Rub or whatever you want to use on it. Be certain to cover every space on the meat for the mixture to stick – in this case, it will find its happy place and adapt to the meat. This is also how the bark – the dark outside pieces – is formed. [On pork shoulders, don’t worry about seasoning the fat cap; no one is going to eat it. You can use cooking spray on the cap but that is primarily for presentation purposes on the circuit. I know the ancestors made cracklin’ with their fat caps, but I just throw the inedible stuff away.] Once seasoned, let it sit at least one hour preferably 8-12 hours or overnight for the flavors to permeate into the meat.

Go outside and light your smokers!



Seriously, light your smokers.

I’ve taken a real liking to lump charcoal recently since it burns so cleanly and for this cook, I normally start out with a pyramid of the stuff with some hickory wood surrounding it and the most unlikely fire starter:  dryer lint. Light and wait for the coals to ash over before placing the meat on the smoker; for the analytical among us, watch your temperature gauges to determine when you want to begin your cook. On average, I’ll wait 45 minutes to an hour for coals and wood to ash over before adding Applewood chunks to the fire and positioning the meat onto the smoker. Because my first few hours’ cooks have had some wide disparities before the temperature settles, I’d start cooking at 275 degrees and keep an eye on the spikes. Large pieces of meat are meant to be cooked LOW and SLOW. You’re not getting this goodness in a few quick hours.

In the meantime, make your mop sauce to baste your pork. If it comes out dry, there isn’t enough barbecue sauce in the world that can fix that mistake. Everyone has a slight variation of how their mop is made if you can get the three components balanced in the cup/container/spritz bottle:  sweet, tangy, and with some semblance of heat. Mix it up to a consistency you can live with – the mop sauce helps keep your rub on the meat and accentuates that this is barbecue. I mop every 1 ½ hours because the last thing I want to do is lose that hard-earned smoke and steady temperature by opening my smoker more frequently. Doing so also means that the meat will tenderize itself over time. Also, you don’t have to worry about turning over pork of this magnitude since the fat cap is down on the grates rendering itself into extra-tasty food for everybody. In lieu of Miller Lite, I have used A&W or Dr. Pepper but that is just personal preference. With barbecue, make it your own.

I have a strange proclivity for overnight cooks thanks to the lunch crowds at my regular gig; if you’re fortunate enough to cook during the day, please start early in the morning. Meat isn’t done until it’s done, and I’d rather you not embarrass yourself with some fast-cooked unseasoned bloody excuse of pulled pork in front of a larger group.

The miracle of time: eight to ten hours have passed, and the backyard is littered with beer cans and tall tales. Oh yeah, and the smoker has been working around 250 but the job isn’t quite complete. Because I could use a nap, I’ll get a couple of sheets of aluminum foil to wrap the butts or shoulder assuming the bark is up to snuff. This is what the guys on the circuit call the “Texas crutch” which the meat maintains the hold of its juices as it is cooking wrapped. Feel free to pour the remainder of the mop sauce onto the meat – this is the reason why I don’t use store-bought sauces on my backyard meals. Once wrapped, find a way to maintain smoker temperature for the next four hours or until the internal temperature is about 200 degrees; it isn’t done until it’s done. Fortunately for us, we can tell Boston butts are ready when we can pull the bone out cleanly with no struggle; ditto for pork shoulders.


Once off the smoker and the clean bone is out of the butt, let it rest for fifteen minutes before pulling it apart and serving your guests!

Remember, every day is a GREAT day for barbecue! Get out there and share what you just learned.












Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Grace


All of you have heard the saying “by the grace of God.” I’m not going into that aspect of those five little words that make such a huge impact in our daily lives – not just the ones where we fake it for one hour each Sunday morning and occasionally during the summer at Vacation Bible School, church camp (is that even a thing today?), revivals, or even the rare appearance made at prayer meeting and Bible study on Wednesday nights rather allow us to take an inventory of our own lives particularly in our own interactions real and virtual mediums such as our social media accounts and video games.

Grace is defined as 1)simple elegance or refinement of movement; and 2) in Christian belief, the free and unmerited favor from God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and bestowal of blessings. As it is also used as a verb, grace means do honor or credit to (something or someone) in one's presence.

When you leave the confines of home for the day, show grace.

For those of us who work from home and must interact remotely with our coworkers, supporters, trolls, and/or critics, show grace. 

Not everyone who stirs the pot is cognizant of their own deeds. Show grace anyway.

I know I’m a cusser, speed demon, occasional drinker, and some other things depending on the individual describing me, but I must stand up and be different. Someone has to be the proverbial adult in the room in a day when it is so easy to tweet insults or hide behind assumed names and profiles to make derogatory statements. As we live in a world which people tear us down left and right gleefully due to their own anxieties and stresses, we are required to rise above the mudslinging. Is it easy? Of course not; nothing worth doing is ever easy – and this includes following our dreams and callings while we share this rock for the allotted time we have.

Is someone being nasty toward you? Don’t stoop to their level.

Did you get cut off? Let them have the space; we’re likely going to be sitting in the same traffic jam. 

Is someone trying to start an argument? Instead of giving them a piece of their mind, give them a piece of grace.

Live in grace.

Exude grace to others. If we spend less time trying to convince ourselves that we are right all of the time and more effort into putting effort into loving people as they are, then we won’t have time to shout from our hollow chambers for the captive audiences we are so familiar with about a love, connection, or commonality we think the other side lacks.

Why am I saying all of this? Because God gave me grace.

Grace to make it through the pay period when there are more days than dollars in my accounts.

Grace when my bosses throw away my transfer requests leaving me to remain in a role which I have peaked.

Grace to manage disparate relationships within the church – what a minefield – when the money is short and ethics are napping.

Grace that is overflowing to the point that I cannot help sharing it with others even if I do not say one mumbling word.

Navigating this life is tricky most days particularly if a digital footprint exists or we find ourselves in leadership positions that necessitate those gut calls. The one thing that stops all the animosity in its tracks is to NOT be a conductor of that train. Be the kindness in a crowd of complaints. Be the soft voice to an ear that spends its days only yelling. Be the safe place. This way, when people ask of your thoughts, they are more likely to deeply listen to your answer.

The next time someone asks you why you can withstand the face of vitriol so fiercely, tell them grace.

50 Years After Martin


Plain and simple, the work isn’t done.

Not even close.

Whose fault is it that we haven’t collectively realized the Dream or made standing up for the truth and justice for all people instead of looking out for only ourselves?

Ours.

Look in the mirror and as we truthfully examine ourselves, we have become the beneficiaries of token progress such as celebrating the first to do this or the first to do that at the expenses of our associates who have sacrificed careers, friendships, reputations, wealth, and even lives to see the mountaintop. For many of us, we are but a generation or two removed from debilitating poverty and ingrained anti-black laws designated to maintain a specific caste system; 1968 wasn’t that long ago. I was born ten years after Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, and where I write these words, I am cognizant that he was 39 years old when he stepped into eternity thanks to that bullet at 6:01 pm.

Imagine me leaving this world with my three-year-old daughter to fend for herself due to someone’s sheer hatred of my black skin, clear thoughts, and booming voice in our subdivision as well as the nighttime grind. In addition to that, I’m honestly not quite ready to tell my wife goodbye for the last time yet. At 39 years of age, I am still a young man despite what the grey hairs in my beard and the patch on my head and my sometimes-creaking back from playing too much basketball and bad weightlifting practices may otherwise dictate.

We flout the great soundbites on all sides but aren’t doing much to advance the actual doctrine. Yes, I’m talking about all of us; conservatives conveniently invoke a few words from the “I Have a Dream” speech when they are accused of being racists as if that absolves them; black people yoke King’s image to further their own ambitions; and liberals use him to authenticate their politics. Even FCA had the gall of exploiting the man’s memory to sell a bunch of Ram trucks during the Super Bowl! Guess what, guys? We’re all doing it wrong. As Americans, our greatest sin aside from racism itself blatant, covert, and systemic is expecting a fairy-tale ending to some of the ugliest chapters of this country’s history without putting in the work to change the narrative. Many readers will attempt to assuage this by flowery language of a colorblind utopian society that begins within our hearts as they simultaneously miss the point when they rush to reflexively defend school choice or law enforcement or any of the multifaceted layers of bigotry unaddressed; where were they to denounce the current President and his dog whistles, or were they defending his words as “speaking his mind” as it implies their own desired words?
No matter your political slant, it's gonna take a lot more than a roll of paper towels to fix this mess

I’m telling you, it wasn’t that long ago. Keep in mind our parents attended largely segregated schools years after the Supreme Court struck down separate but equal – as evidenced in a tweet from last week, Gould (Ark.) Schools would not integrate because none of the white students would come over to Fields to learn with their black counterparts as someone in Raney v. Board of Education tried to cite state’s rights which the school choice debate presently has become. For each wall they’ve had to kick down, the powers-that-be have placed unseen barriers to maintain division through such dastardly policies as the War on Drugs and the use of code words to perpetuate a caste system without explicitly announcing intent – and the media is equally complicit in its failures of accountability. For example, what if I told you the original fight and rise of the Religious Right was not abortion rights but school desegregation? Notice how the establishment of private academies rocketed in the 1960s throughout the South was conservative citizens’ Eff You response to the government killing Jim Crow in his obvious status.


Don’t get me started on the coded language of lower taxes and great schools with small class sizes.

Fifty years after James Earl Ray murdered the greatest American, our moderate and liberal friends have implicitly reduced his life’s work toward racial justice to a charitable enterprise for a bunch of affluent do-gooders to pat themselves on the back regardless of how long they volunteer in community centers or pimp the less fortunate for the ‘gram, among other social media mediums. What this does is provide them a necessary illusion that preserves an innocence and insulates their conscience or soul from guilt or blame; does it allow them to see their own wrongs of saying some effed-up stuff or reciting the lyrics to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” without any sense of policing their own language? This distorts the very idea of a democracy for all and minimizes the moral character of those who truly believe the lie.

Within our own churches and neighborhoods, a select group of black people find a reason to yoke themselves to King’s legacy to further their own personal ambitions. Instead of continuing the battles, we have become complacent with entry into schools, restaurants, and other businesses in the name of being able to gladly hand over all of our hard-earned paychecks to those who only see us as cash cows as they decline to hire and promote us; at church, we bicker over a few dollars that should be better served in Kingdom-building instead of salaries, extravagant buildings and Cadillacs, anniversary programs, and otherwise having a stranglehold on an overly reliable voting bloc that asks for nothing every four years except a benevolent appearance on the Sunday before Election Day. I honestly don’t recall seeing prosperity gospel anywhere in my Bible, but feel free to show me. Fifty years later, how many of us can admit that the black church has been the taillight rather than a headlight while her members struggle with bone-crushing poverty as we live in a check-to-check cycle that keeps us stagnant on the hamster wheel? Turning the other cheek to our oppressors places us in a position of weakness that my generation would gladly knock the taste out of someone’s mouth, and on the outside, we have become more encapsulated within our four walls missing out on the revolutionary edge Christianity has always possessed contrary to the softened cream cheese the American version has seemingly become. 

Considering the Black Lives Matter movement today and what the Black Panthers stood for (read the Ten Points), our moderate and liberal friends tend to miss the point with their largely monolithic roundtables and summits which may have a minority face to headline the event when they do not heed the cries from us. As for our conservative friends who have fingers plugged in their ears as they scream All Lives Matter, we get it:  All lives do matter. While you guys sound like broken record deflecting the man and the movement with “what about black-on-black crime?” queries and “pulling yourselves up by your own bootstraps” quotes of rugged independence and self-reliance when the government has been compliant with your own collective wealth as evidenced in the Homestead Act and the GI Bill, what would really be helpful is entering the conversation with an open mind and nixing your BS talking points as they really don’t help expand critical thinking to solve multifaceted adult problems. Even if the self-reliance part was true, then why was Black Wall Street in Tulsa burned down nearly a century ago? Where is the valid explanation for nightly terrorizing our communities as they became independently sufficient to not rely on racist store owners for basic sustenance? I’ll wait.

Equality is the endgame target although it hasn’t always been a shared goal for everyone:  We need to change that.

How?

I don’t have all the answers, yet I am willing to continue the conversation over my own Dub Shack BBQ and a couple of beers.

What we must become are spiritual troublemakers. Just as Jesus required us to walk by faith, King saw faith as a tool of change that makes the most hardened of us malleable enough to leave this rock better than we found it. Furthermore, God is not playing with the United States of America anymore; read Ezekiel 3:17-19 sometime this week to understand the consequences of destructive deeds. We see ourselves as God’s chosen people even more so than the Israelites from the Old Testament – my feelings of today’s Israelis are a completely different matter – however, we are traveling down the same road of self-flagellation they did from the forty years in the wilderness to being conquered by enemy nations to the inevitable silence in response to our national sins.

Fifty years ago, King paid the ultimate price with his life for bearing the burdens of the less fortunate and rising above to serve humanity. Since 1968, following up on that radical work has been miniscule at best as we have been more than happy with token outward progress and in some quarters, stilted interfaith services that on the outside show us all coming together while we remain just as divided as we were beforehand. We were called to do more but it takes breaking out of our own comfort zones and houses of privilege to make a real difference.

How would you like to be remembered, a drum major for change or a shepherd for complacency?

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

We Are OK


Last week we had a series of health scares.

Thankfully, we’re largely OK and as I clear the air of one rumor, thanks to everyone for the instant moments of concern.

First of all, Chastity DID NOT HAVE A STROKE. Reread what I just wrote. This is to dispel yet another rumor out of Malvern that Punkin had a stroke – if she did, would I have told anyone outside of immediate family? Probably not immediately; I would have taken the measured approach and solicited prayers from the warriors for her health before going into any explicit details only after communicating with the doctors for a full understanding.

Caeli is OK – just a spoiled three-year-old who is learning what buttons she can push.

Me? I was in an accident last Tuesday afternoon and although the city officer declared it a no-fault event solely because it occurred on private property, my back is a bit sore. On the outside, it only cracked the bumper on my car; it would have to take removal and replacement to find out the extent of the damage. Unlike when the Santa Fe was blindsided nearly five years ago a half-block away, I’m not upset this time. The other commonality comes from being popped by two Jeeps at separate times – maybe I’ll think about test driving a Scrambler whenever FCA makes a decision on the pickup and Landers gets a matte gray one. I do hear good things about the Pentastar V6 and eight-speed combination, though.

Thanks for your concerns even if they weren’t entirely unfounded.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

This Is My Season


Today is the official first day of spring despite the large number of our friends and families taking a brief vacation from work or school for warmer climes. Some of our coworkers have gone camping at the many state parks within a few hours’ drive throughout the Natural State while others found themselves at the beach or that family-friendly amusement park in central Florida. For all of us, spring is a season of renewal:  birth, new growth, and the welcoming of old friends from their migrations further south. What is more significant about this day is that it is one of two in the calendar year which the hours of daylight and nighttime are equal around the world as in the northern hemisphere, it is known as vernal equinox and our friends in Australia, South Africa, and Argentina acknowledge today as the autumnal equinox representing both the spring and fall seasons, respectively.


New seasons are important for many people in anticipation of something great. Since he was hired nearly three months ago to lead Mount Zion, our current pastor has talked of a winning season as the congregation is still transitioning from a leaderless state to a definite shepherd. One key aspect of said winning season is being prepared to win AND knowing how to celebrate; 45’s supporters still have not understood the concept of knowing how to celebrate seventeen months later as they overly rely upon November 8, 2016 as their emancipation date from the perceived tyrannical black President and the real advancements of his eight years in office.



In Ecclesiastes 3:1, Solomon tells us that there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity for under the heavens. Do not forget this as we work together through 2018 and beyond – God appoints our seasons, and if we don’t recognize them, we can very well miss out on our blessings!

Moses spoke of a new season when the enslaved Israelites escaped Egypt and Pharaoh’s clutches through the wilderness for those long forty years ultimately ceding leadership to Joshua (Joshua 1:9) who brought them over. When Paul was under house arrest and faced loneliness due to the Romans disallowing visitors until he realized God was along his side (2 Timothy 4:17). Even in his imprisonment, Peter recognized that sleep was a vital part of his season (Acts 12:5-8); having the church constantly pray for him certainly aided his testimony of chains breaking and walking out of the front door amid sixteen guards with an angel by his side!


Regardless of the season, let us continue to give thanks to God for His greatness, His help, and His companionship for the circumstances are for a just cause which allow for us to use the time appointed in a way that not only magnifies Him but also deepens our trust in our Father.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Love Me When I'm Gone

About fifteen years ago, the Mississippi-based rock band 3 Doors Down sung what was a very popular song of the period “When I’m Gone”. As the United States was slowly recovering from the terrorist attacks from September 11, 2001, the band released these words emblematic of the first half of the 2000s:

So hold me when I’m here
Right me when I’m wrong
Hold me when I’m scared
And love me when I’m gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I’ll never let you down
Even if I could
I’d give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I’m here
Right me when I’m wrong
You can hold me when I’m scared
You won’t always be there
So love me when I’m gone

Don’t look upside my head like I’m crazy – some of you still know the words and have even watched the video on MTV and VH1 multiple times, and I bet more than a few of us went to Edgefest in the netherworld of the early 2000s to see them. You ain’t gotta lie to kick it. We all suffer from periodic poor choices in music from time to time – from those of us who still own Kid Rock, Master P or Nickelback CDs to whatever the kids are into these days probably something from Yung Thug or Lil’ anybody. [Try not to judge me on anything else in this arena beyond my age – I still like screwed and chopped sounds coming from my little green Ford crossover’s Bluetooth and antiquated four speakers; consequently, I would like to think my musical tastes have evolved from saying ugh and screaming “No Limit Soldiers” or worse, repeating Mike Jones’s phone number - by the way, it was (281)330-8004.]

Far too often we fawn over being loved or at the very least, accepted by our peers. As teens, no one expects us to wrap our lips around that first can of nasty pilsner but most of us develop a taste for beer due to it being the “cool” thing to do. Over time, that pressure evolves from abandoning vows of sobriety and the “boring” look of temperance to things harsher that cannot be easily broken. The things we thought made us hip inevitably makes a mockery of our character as they 1) somehow begins to define who we are; and 2) potentially leads us to a string of bad decisions that remove us from our original beings all because we wanted to fit in! For example, I enjoy the taste of a cold IPA during the summer when I am smoking pork loins, ribs, and chicken quarters yet consuming tobacco products legal or illegal never interested me. It doesn’t mean that drinkers hold a supremacy over the smokers; I am hopefully making a correlation that my vices do not make me any better or worse than the next individual, and because of them, I stand on equal footing with him or her.

What do I mean when I say, “love me when I’m gone” in this context?
The easy answer is no one notices you or your worth until you are no longer in the presence but par for most of my writings, it offers a complexity of responses. Let’s think this through:

Our exes either love us or hate us when we break up and sometimes, that is carried into the next relationship as the wounds have not properly healed. In my case, I’m certain the hatred is justified although there may be a few things each woman may miss momentarily such as not having to pay for dinner or she may have been accustomed to small trinkets such as an open car door and flowers, and even a tank of gas to get her from Point A to B. Over time, the anger subsides to where today they are afterthoughts – and lessons from what (or not) to do for it is far easier to love them from a distance than to hate them daily resulting in missed opportunities within our own lives.

Another illustration comes from the first few weeks after we change jobs. For most of us, accepting a new role means good riddance to the organization we are departing yet the people we leave behind end up needing a new leader to follow. In servant leadership, this would not be a problem; unfortunately, we are so used to top-down management hierarchy where the person we call boss has the final word no matter how right or wrong he turns out to be. While being marginalized as “the computer geek” or just another nighttime worker, that loss of a key employee brings perspective to untold efficiencies in making work easier or simply a tolerable place to log in eight- to twelve-hour shifts. To mitigate the eventual loss of this Delta V here at Rineco, I am leaving a flash drive and the original copy of the training manual I wrote five years ago as a guide as a supplement to the notes the new employee takes during his weeklong apprenticeship.

The third complexity of “loving me when I’m gone” is homecoming. Growing up, I knew that once I left Conway, Arkansas that I would not return to live there under any circumstances as coming back to Friendship Road signified failure instead of seeing the family members who still live on the street as adults who gave their best efforts in steering us the right way. I won’t mention ‘friends’ because of how I remember how my childhood was in a word, different. The italicized sentence is not an indictment of how I was raised as much as being sheltered from a few things too many and feeling those bumps more acutely than otherwise such as the realization that a man’s word was not always his bond – yes, I’m looking at the people who “borrowed” money and decades later still haven’t repaid their debts to me. Ditto for neighborhood disagreements on the basketball court that ended up spread across town in the whiff of an unexpected uppercut.

Since you know me well enough by now to have an example straight out of the Bible, give Psalm 71:9 a look:

Don’t throw me aside when I am old; don’t desert me when my strength is gone. – Psalm 71:9

Eventually, we all desire to reach old age and would like to be remembered in our twilight years as kindly and wise instead of the foolish hellions of our youth and early adulthood. In the church, duplicity needs to be a prerequisite for the right reasons – and tradition alone is not that reason. While some things that carried our elders through some heinous times such as church bombings and night-capping that some less-than-savory citizens regardless of their prominence in the community engaged in must be continued, some practices are outdated and driving great people away from the spiritual hospital in the name of ritualistic shaming. As much as I would prefer not to sing them, I do have to learn a few Ike Watts choruses for Sunday morning praise services and sing them like the late icon Rev. Thomas Flemming, Sr.  AND remember how the second verse starts. In this regard, loving that country classic when we are gone all but guarantees it’ll make it to the next generation even if our temporal outreach efforts fall by the wayside for one reason or another. Everyone matters regardless of title, position, or familial connection; we might as well love each other in the present as to escape the overdone wailing when we are ultimately separated by the physical death.

Christ also reminds us not only to love Him when He’s gone, but only what we do for Him will last.

Lastly, the concept of “love me when I’m gone” extends to our family members and friends within the context of not everyone who is good to you is good for you. Let me repeat myself:  NOT EVERYONE WHO IS GOOD TO YOU IS GOOD FOR YOU. Periodically, we mix up our feelings thinking the former is synonymous with the latter when it cannot be further from the truth. Our loved ones can unintentionally grease the skids to hell like none other if we aren’t careful in several ways not limited to being permissive of our own misconduct as well as becoming a yes-man to all their wanton desires to avoid ire and tantrums as the peacemakers we try to resemble.

Over my 39 years on this rock, the 3 Doors Down chorus is surprisingly relevant to everyone I have loved and lost; the friends I held down or needed as confidants within various seasons; the distances away from home I have traveled and lived and those feelings, especially those of homesickness; not wanting to let down anyone due to the happy-go-lucky façade of having it all together when I was in truth more screwed up than even I would have admitted; and the altruistic nature of laying it all on the line for those who truly matter.

They hated Martin when he was here. Now they love him now he’s gone each January 15.

They wanted Muhammad to shut up when he was here. Now they love his catchy rhymes when he’s gone.

They despised Michael for his shrewd business plays and unapologetic blackness by calling him a child molester and ‘wacko Jacko’ yet remain enamored of his dance moves.

The Pharisees and Sadducees hated Jesus with every fiber in them when He walked the earth. Now (for some of you), He has been whitewashed as a sanctimonious hippie who espoused only love to be placed in a convenient box when it benefits our beliefs.

They hate Barack for leveling the playing field and shepherding change in the face of sheer racism. Now in the age of 45, they adore him.

One day we know Brother Colin will be loved for his kneeling during the National Anthem instead of the hateful drivel they aim at him today.

I know you won’t always be there so love me when I’m gone.