Do I Really Know You?

Gone are the days of “friending” and “following” everybody and their mamas on social media just because it seemed to be the cool thing to do. After dabbling in the Facebook (’07), Twitter, LinkedIn and Google + (’11) arenas, I have come to discover that I really don’t know people in the ways I thought I did. It’s also why I am finally becoming more selective of who I allow in that world, just as I am in the real world. Some of my personal criteria are spelled out below, but I reserve the right to include (or reject) you from my sphere, as there are exceptions to every rule.

Did I go to school with you? Just because you attended Henderson State or Conway High does not automatically mean I will gladly accept you. There are people I simply don’t know, and others who have shown enough of their characters for me not to associate with them. It’s one thing for me to have known you since the first grade through classes, and another to be a lifelong friend since freshman year in Newberry Hall. If our relationship isn’t tangible, then that becomes a no.

Have I seen or talked to you in the last five years? I’ll include comments via social media as conversing. If I have seen, hung out, or talked with you within the last five years, then you’re a pretty decent soul in my eyes – and this does not include the obligatory Happy Birthday verbal massage via Facebook. I used to have a six-month expiration date on cultivating friendships, but life sort of gets in the way meaning I have stretched that out to five years. Beyond that timeline, we really don’t matter to each other.

Did (or do) I ever work with you? With some exceptions, I generally do not friend my co-workers because once I leave that circle we have in common, there is nothing else. Let those experiences remain in the past, yet keep a positive image out there as you never know when you may need a recommendation for the next adventurous endeavors. From my own experiences, I have discovered the people you hitch your wagon to can cause you to really question your own character, and in some cases, dumb you down.

Does your worldview correlate with mine? As notoriously introverted as I am, I still have a reputation for being open-minded and to some people, which has led me to be a common target of derision. Nothing new; I’ve dealt with the bad behavior over the past quarter-century or so. I’ve lived in different places, cobbled together an odd career path, experienced different things, and in 85% of my interactions, I have been a pilgrim in a wilderness too dangerous to venture sans armor. As an outsider, I tend to embrace those who understand those parts of my journey are what have made me or at the very least, pique my interests. Just as I’ll reject demagoguery, those who cannot offer intangibles are unworthy of my time and energy.

What do you talk about? The subjects you discuss do matter to me. While I do enjoy seeing pictures of your families, lovely homes, vacations, and assorted life events, they should not be the only things you ever talk about. I’m looking for well-rounded friends, not people who fit neatly in Mitt Romney’s binders within one category of another. Obviously if your comments primarily center on the television, the next party, hatred of the current President, and what amounts to covert racism (none of you are hopefully crass enough to make blatant comments), then you must be dismissed from the group. As a retired sports fan, it is refreshing not to live and die for the next ESPN update on the Boston Red Sox or Miami Heat – David Ortiz isn’t making my mortgage payments, nor Dwyane Wade is paying off our cars and credit cards. Be varied.

I acknowledge that no one is perfect, but do me a huge favor and spell-check your posts before pressing send. I’ll forgive you, but if you cannot figure out when to use there/they’re/their and your/you’re properly, I’ll make certain to buy you a dictionary with a thesaurus at Christmas or your birthday. If that continues, I’ll simply unfriend you.

Who Am I? I’ll use my Twitter bio (@cedteaches) to tell you. Keep in mind it is not all-inclusive, but pretty accurate: practicing Christian, Chastity’s husband, Kenneth and Karen’s son, Alan’s brother, uncle, friend, retired sports fan, Afrocentric, lifelong workaholic, beer nerd, and probably the most socially awkward person you know.

Dad By Example, Not Just Words

Eight years ago, I had the opportunity to take my dad to the drag races and accompanying car show in Little Rock. While the “drag strip” was truthfully a quarter-mile stretch of broken concrete extending two blocks at Barton Coliseum, it gave pause of what kind of man I grew up with; as his firstborn, I say thanks. It was one of the most fun days in our adult lives, perusing one custom car after another, admiring the work others put into their own vehicles and allowing our inner gearheads to come out in this element. That mostly cloudy August day took me back to those now-realistic stories of the man with the yellow ’67 Camaro owning Carlisle in the days before I was born, indicating he wasn’t always just pop. Most of what I learned about being a man, I picked up from him by example. From digging the water line from the road to the house and enduring the community taunts to becoming a grill master, I owe Kenneth a lot. Over the past few years, I’ve only begun to fully grasp the magnitude of everything he taught us and value in my own life, as evidenced by his mortality: the virtue of patience (fishing); what good music really is – and how to break Columbia House with the twelve CDs/tapes for a penny; how to use power tools safely; making Pinewood Derby race cars more aerodynamic than the competition meaning we would dominate race day; saving for a rainy day; having a grounded moral compass in an interfaith marriage (he’s Catholic, Mom is Baptist); embracing debate/diversified opinions  even when it is contrary to our views; and most importantly, being a good example for Alan and me to emulate.

Paul urged fathers not to take their personal failings out on their children, rather to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). It doesn’t mean he couldn’t lay the wood when we messed up just teach us where we went wrong. Funny how that belt did a way of correcting two boys quickly. Dad isn’t perfect, but he is consistent in what he says and does. A great power for good is at work when our actions reflect the character of God, rather than distort it.  

That’s challenging stuff for any parent, so Paul stresses them to remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might (Ephesians 6:10). Only through God’s strength can we reflect the love and patience of our Heavenly Father. They teach their children far more from how they live than what they say, and we honor our fathers for not only giving us life, but also showing up how to live.

When you see my dad, tell him thanks for a job well done.

If I Were 22 Again (If I Knew Then What I Know Now)

I turned 22 way back in December 2000, and after reading the LinkedIn posts of industry leaders, I thought about some of the things in retrospect I wished I had done instead – or better.

1. I would have learned how to play more and work less. Hard to do for someone who worked constantly from high school and throughout my college days, but I grew up poor and didn’t exactly have the luxury of play time.
2. I would have graduated on time with my class. That one extra year was my student loan.
3. Making social contacts beyond drinking buddies. As much as I love my fraternity brothers, none of them had the foggiest idea of how to connect with the real world apart from the keg. Few things are more embarrassing than returning to work at 7 am on Monday morning fresh from a three-day bender.
4. I would’ve been more humble. I was a cocky manager with ill-regard of my subordinates. Just because my superiors were morons didn’t mean I needed to reciprocate the treatment to my front-end personnel. By listening and coming with a hunger versus my already entitled attitude – I hadn’t really failed at anything at that point – I probably would’ve become a Wal-Mart store manager, with a few years to retirement.
5. I would’ve made more time for my friends. Thankfully Heath, Stephanie, Karen, and Chris have mostly lived within an hour of me for the past several years, and to this day they are my lifelong best friends. Because I worked all the time, I lost contact with almost everyone else: roommates, co-workers, study buddies. Back then, social media was a word-of-mouth invitation to the Thursday party at the Sig Ep house with my doppelganger Howard.
6. I would’ve stayed true to myself. More than anything else, I found myself losing my moral compass to be accepted by people who never really wanted me around. While I attended church and still ran the local trails as an escape, my relationship with God was essentially on hiatus.
7. I would’ve been more socially adept. Instead of trying to marry the first female who gave me a little more than the time of day, I would have sampled the world first. It’s hard to fathom how clueless I was when it came to people; at least I should’ve been privy to knowing that many folks have unsavory ulterior motives not limited to more embarrassment or empty pockets. It could’ve also saved me $1,400.
8. I would’ve found a mentor to keep me focused instead of the DIY approach. Many nights, I needed someone older to let me vent and/or ask questions to head the right way. Just because I was the smartest guy in the room didn’t mean I could forego help.
9. I would’ve been a better student. I should’ve taken greater advantage of lab hours and my instructors, but getting paid or laid – in any combination – took precedence. I was unlucky beyond the woman in #7, and Wal-Mart paychecks were paltry even then. That also extends to time management skills, of which I still help issue with.

Of course, I could probably think of more things, but those are relatively minor in comparison. The fact is, I adapted (slowly) and spent a lot of time face down before getting a clue and growing up. I am also pleased that I have evolved over the past thirteen years and am still around to reflect up on that era.

We Haven't Overcome Squat

The news has recently been rife with reprehensible racist comments, more notably from current right-wing favorite Cliven Bundy and former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling. In this day and age, they both rightfully deserve to be ostracized for their words; after all, old dogs cannot learn new tricks because they choose not to. Sports fans know Sterling’s long history of bigotry given the multiple lawsuits from former employees and the US Justice Department. Yet no one cared to pay attention to a man who routinely brought women to the player’s locker room subjugating them to treatment of chattel slavery regarding of what he would say next. Anytime is an inopportune moment for racist comments – and for those remarks to come out during the franchise’s best NBA playoff season is not only embarrassing, but also time for the man to depart from the limelight. Strangely, his girlfriend who recorded the ten minute rant before selling it to TMZ is biracial – Mexican and black. Asking her to remove herself from minorities when is part of two groups was beyond ridiculous; had she complied, the woman would have been little more than a modern day mammy.

Bundy is a more direct case of deep-seated racism – and what I call a typical Republican voter. Allow me to clarify the statement: Not all Republicans are racist, but the majority of racists do vote Republican. From the onset, the rancher exhibited his prejudices for all to see after the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) backed off its threats to confiscate his land due to unpaid taxes. Once Fox News provided him the platform to open his mouth, what we saw was an unrepentant bigot too ignorant to realize his public shaming. Do we know people like Cliven Bundy? Yes, we do – I have attended school with them, worked with them, rented apartments from them, and met them through the daughters I dated before they were disowned. He was brazen enough to articulate his views of a world vastly different yet eerily similar to his own. How? Bundy hates federal subsidies like food stamps, yet he received grasslands at below-market values; he is also a benefactor of the Hoover Dam – as are all Clark County, Nevada residents, and indirectly was rewarded by the mining operations in the Silver State. How his actions contradict conservative dogma are the following: 1)using land without paying for it [theft]; and 2)disrespecting law enforcement [aren’t they the law and order people?] In turn, he is no better than the welfare queens he rails so vehemently against – a moocher, a taker. To further expand his comments about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., he may have gotten further had not one of Bundy’s ilk assassinated him some thirty-six years ago April 4. My response to his feigning ignorance:  Talk to us like normal human beings. Just because I’m a bit darker doesn’t mean I am less a man. Also, call me boy and see what happens.

Don’t get it twisted, we haven’t overcome squat.

Even here in Saline County, the county Democratic Party cannot get out of its own way. In a move normally associated with the county Republicans two blocks away, the Democrats invited all of its gubernatorial candidates to speak except for one: Doc Bryant. Why was this? Oversight? Long shot to challenge Mike Ross? Race? All the news release stated was a knock-kneed apology for the pass from party leaders. Sundown County never loved us, quoting Drake proving that they are no more accepting (in my eyes) than the other major political party in the area.

When I say we haven’t overcome squat, I mean all of the advances from our elders are going by the wayside thanks to complacency. People want to vote but must now carry ID and hours at the polls are reduced, with days eliminated. Although I support affirmative action at its core as I have been passed over routinely for promotions and improperly rewarded only to see my ideas implemented later within policy. While we are more apt to work, play, and eat together, date and marry each other, we are more prone to distractions meant to separate us including crass materialism, reality shows, carnal behaviors, etc. I cannot change every mind to become more inclusive and valuing of one another by myself, nor should that expectation that so many have of certain men to be perfect in order to be loved. I only ask that we try.