Sunday, November 25, 2018

My Mind Is Playing Tricks On Me


In 1991 the Houston-based rap group Geto Boys released a seminal classic titled “My Mind is Playing Tricks on Me” which lyrics employ various mental states such as PTSD, panic attacks, paranoia, and for today’s context, gaslighting.  In the tweet below, check out the commentator spitting Bushwick Bill:

Those of us of a certain age may still be able to rap this song line by line, but for the rest of us, here are the lyrics and all of the accompanying truths – and if that isn’t enough, then watch the video on YouTube on your own time:

I sit alone in my four-cornered room staring at candles
Oh that shit is on?
Let me drop some shit like this here, real smooth
At night I can't sleep, I toss and turn
Candlesticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned
Four walls just staring at a nigga
I'm paranoid, sleeping with my finger on the trigger
My mother's always stressin' I ain't living right
But I ain't goin' out without a fight
See, every time my eyes close
I start sweating and blood starts coming out my nose
It's somebody watching the AK'
But I don't know who it is so I'm watching my back
I can see him when I'm deep in the covers
When I awake I don't see the motherfucker
He owns a black hat like I own
A black suit and a cane like my own
Some might say take a chill, B
But fuck that shit, there's a nigga trying to kill me
I'm popping in the clip when the wind blows
Every twenty seconds got me peeping out my window
Investigating the joint for traps
Checking my telephone for taps
I'm staring at the woman on the corner
It's fucked up when your mind's playing tricks on ya
I make big money
I drive big cars
Everybody know me
It's like I'm a movie star
But late at night something ain't right
I feel I'm being tailed by the same sucker's headlights
Is it that fool that I ran off the block
Or is it that nigga last week that I shot
Or is it the one I beat for five thousand dollars
Thought he had caine but it was Gold Medal flour
Reached under my seat, grabbed my popper for the suckers
Ain't no use to me lying
I was scareder than a motherfucker
Hooked a left into Popeye's and bailed out quick
If it's going down let's get this shit over with
Here they come just like I figured
I got my hand on the motherfucking trigger
What I saw'll make your ass start giggling
Three blind, crippled and crazy senior citizens
I live by the sword
I take my boys everywhere I go because I'm paranoid
I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping around corners
My mind is playing tricks on me
Day by day it's more impossible to cope
I feel like I'm the one that's doing dope
Can't keep a steady hand because I'm nervous
Every Sunday morning I'm in service
Praying for forgiveness
And trying to find an exit out the business
I know the Lord is lookin' at me
But yet and still it's hard for me to feel happy
I often drift when I drive
Having fatal thoughts of suicide
Bang and get it over with
And then I'm worry-free, but that's bullshit
I got a little boy to look after
And if I died then my child would be a bastard
I had a woman down with me
But to me it seemed like she was down to get me
She helped me out in this shit
But to me she was just another bitch
Now she's back with her mother
Now I'm realizing that I love her
Now I'm feeling lonely
My mind is playing tricks on me
This year Halloween fell on a weekend
Me and Geto Boys are trick-or-treating
Robbing little kids for bags
Till an old man got behind our ass
So we speeded up the pace
Took a look back and he was right before our face
He'd be in for a squabble no doubt
So I swung and hit the nigga in his mouth
He was going down we figured
But this wasn't no ordinary nigga
He stood about six or seven feet
Now that's the nigga I'd be seeing in my sleep
So we triple-teamed on him
Dropping them motherfucking B's on him
The more I swung, the more blood flew
Then he disappeared and my boys disappeared too
Then I felt just like a fiend
It wasn't even close to Halloween
It was dark as fuck on the streets
My hands were all bloody, from punching on the concrete
God damn homey
My mind is playing tricks on me

One of the mental states mentioned on this track is what we today refer to as gaslighting – a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. It is a malicious and hidden form of abuse that works too well in a manic quest to gain power as it simultaneously makes us harbor doubts of our very existence and value to the larger community. The most blatant example of this practice is how current President Donald Trump used the birther movement to delegitimize former President Barack Obama at every turn to galvanize legions of citizens who follow the toupee-sporting Pied Piper with reckless abandon for six years whipping them up into hate-driven frenzies at campaign rallies and through his vile tweets laced with half-truths before finally admitting only days before the 2016 election that he knew Obama was a naturalized citizen all along. More recently, his press secretary has sharpened her axe particularly at the media corps who are protected by the First Amendment to ask pertinent questions about this Administration. News junkies have noticed when that the same people who throw fiery darts at those of an opposing viewpoint, gender, race, etc. cry wolf loudest – and hide behind their titles and privilege – when the tables turn on them:  Notice after rallying the troops to their insidious causes with appalling nonchalance how quickly the most divisive among us play the victim role:  we don’t have to go that far to see it in action.

Gaslighting has been around in practice if not by name for as long as time; evangelicals are particularly proficient in outright lying or using denials to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. If you disagree, read through your Facebook timelines after a police officer-involved tragedy and the whataboutisms that follow especially if the victim is black. Another Biblical example of the insidious practice comes from the story of King Ahab and Queen Jezebel – their reign is detailed in 1 Kings 16:30-22:37. You’d be shocked at these so-called Christians saying that because of one slight misstep they deserved death as their ultimate fates! It makes me wonder which god they serve, the one true and loving God we pray to, or the god of white supremacy that has excused the worst of sins to maintain a caste system based on a series of fluid constraints that do more shapeshifting than a soothsayer from Julius Caesar or Game of Thrones. By playing these tricks, the vulnerable end up having spiritual apprehensions:  the same people who call me nigger either to my face or behind my back are the same ones who find themselves kneeling next to me in prayer obviously with very different motives or piggybacking my ideas only to reveal their colonizing ways in the end.

Before I share one of my incidents of being gas-lit, here are some of the signs to look for and how to recover:

1.    They use blatant lies. Once the lie is big enough, you’re not certain that anything that comes out of their mouths is the truth.
2.    They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. Even in the age of the screenshot, they still outright deny it. Over time, it can erode your own sense of reality as the fictional becomes your truth.
3.    They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. Some people simply do not want to revel in your successes after struggles [example: childbirth after a high-risk pregnancy], and for each milestone accomplished, it presents a gaslighter a weapon he/she may attempt to use against you.  
4.    They wear you down over time. One of the worst things about gaslighting is that is wears you down gradually. Even the best and brightest among us can fall prey to the schemes; as with the frog in the frying pan analogy, it happens without us consciously knowing what is transpiring.
5.    Their actions do not match their words. Look at their actions relative to the rhetoric. The talk means nothing yet their actions are more indicative of who or what they are.
6.    They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. Ever work for a horrible boss who has had nothing positive to say? What happens when he/she decides to throw a compliment your way? Look at what was said and the intent of the message; the moment of praise probably existed to serve the gas lighter.
7.    They know confusion weakens people. Gaslighters know people like having a sense of stability and normalcy, so their primary objective is to uproot this and constantly question everything. In turn, we as humans lean to the person who represents our definition of normal – often the gaslighter.
8.    They project. By blaming you for their infidelity or alcoholism as examples, this happens so often that the gaslighter has successfully distracted you from his/her own nefarious behavior.
9.    They try to align people against you. Many people find themselves on the outside of the church due to the cliques formed within their own congregations. For example, one family may proudly exhibit its exclusionary tactics to a newcomer by making comments such as, “This person knows you’re not living right” or “The poors sit over there – away from us” or “This ministry is useless, and so is everyone in it”. Keep in mind that no one may have made any of the snide comments, yet it fosters doubt in what is supposed to be a common body with a common objective. Isolation gives the gaslighter unnecessary control over what is ultimately (in this context, your relationship with God) a sense of belonging.
10. They tell you or others that you are crazy. Dismissive words are the easiest way to identify the gaslighter. If he/she can question your sanity, they know that others will not believe you when you tell them that the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. This is a master technique.
11. They tell you everyone else is a liar. When they tell you everyone else including the media is lying or flat-out wrong, it again makes you question your reality and causes you to turn to them to confirm “correct” information.


To recover from the hellish experience of being gas-lit, check the following signs:

1.    Recognize the pattern of undermining behavior. Gaslighting only works when one person is unaware of his/her surroundings. Once you become alert to the pattern, it will not affect you as much, and you may even be able to blow it off.
2.    Keep in mind that the gaslighting isn’t about you. It’s all about the gaslighter’s need for power:  The insecure person feels that to be equal, he/she must feel superior in some way; to feel safe, he/she must have the upper hand. That doesn’t excuse the lousy behavior; consequently, you ultimately have the power to continue the relationship or allow it to wither like a vine in a drought.
3.    You’re not going to change a gaslighter. That requires intensive therapy that the gaslighter is often too unwilling to participate in. Just tell him/her to kick rocks.
4.    Rethink whether the relationship is worth putting up with the putdowns and other attempts at eroding self-esteem. You may need a clean break and quit a job to escape a foul boss or supervisor. If a family member or friend, find a way to love them from a distance; a significant other and you’re interested in preserving the relationship, seek counseling.
5.    Develop your own support system. Everyone needs a core group of friends who can confirm your worth and reality. Fuck the gaslighters.
6.    Work on rebuilding your self-esteem. This does not happen overnight…but you are valuable. Remind yourself that you are loveable, worthy of affirmation, and capable now that the gaslighter is out of your life. If necessary, maintain a private journal (in my case, you may have read some of the earlier posts from AD&AD).
7.    Get professional help if you need it. It’s OK if you need some help getting through the doldrums; you’ve survived a horrific episode that rocked you to your very core. Therapists are here to help you dig your way back to normal by offering practical advice and support to help you recover.

About my gaslight experiences:  I have too many, so which one shall I speak of? The one of being an outsider in my own ‘hood? The former pastor who needled me at every corner just to get a reaction? The ex-girlfriend with nothing positive to say unless money was being spent on her? The childhood friends who say some fucked-up shit on social media and deny their casual racism when the screenshots reappear confirming what was said?

Over the past twenty-one years, I’ve exorcised more demons than the Ghostbusters by a few things:  prayer, basketball, and learning how to be comfortable in uncomfortable environments. The best thing I ever did was leave my hometown after high school; to think it was the most progressive place in the state is the biggest lie PR people have ever spun – done by insular people, of course.

You can always read Finding a Haz-Mat Suit for the Toxic Employee if you’re looking for that troublesome supervisor or boss at work.

My near-genius mind was playing tricks on me for years, and once I got out of my head and into more meaningful relationships with people who recognized my worth has greatly impacted me. True, I am still a recluse – introvert would be too kind of an adjective - but after almost forty years on this rock, I think having my faith and immediate family (wife and daughter) have centered me into letting the unimportant matters go.

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