These Are My Confessions

I fucked up.

— 🦁 shall wear the 👑 (@cedteaches) November 27, 2016

After a very difficult year at home and work, I went on vacation November 11 and three days later fucked up everything. I don’t know if my wife will ever forgive me and as I’ve pleaded with God to forgive me of cheating on her during what was supposed to be a cruise for the two of us, I don’t even think I’m worth forgiving. How could I have been such an idiot? I mean, I’ll never see the other woman again and for a few moments of pleasure, what would I stand to gain from it? In the age of open threads, I was dumb and didn’t erase the thread…but I’m supposed to be trustworthy and transparent and all of that other good stuff.

What the hell would constantly erasing conversations do for me? If I wanted to chat, then I would have no basis for what we talked about the last time around.

Why didn’t I stop before it happened?

I saw the signs but I thought I was stronger than that.

Pride obviously got in the way; ditto for ego.

I should’ve stopped after the first meeting, but she was an interesting conversationalist who kept me engaged.

I should’ve stopped after the first hug and what woke up Bad MF.

I should’ve stopped after I planted that first kiss on her cheek.

I should’ve stopped after she reached over on the deck and held my hand on the elevator ride to her cabin.

I should’ve stopped after we made out in her cabin.

I damn sure should’ve stopped after she undressed.

Worse, I had the chance to stop after I put on the Trojan Magnum, but I didn’t.

Within those few heated moments, I threw away a five-year marriage and what was one of the very few real friendships I had in my adult life.

Even if the sex had never occurred, I had crossed far too many lines and punched through too many signs.

In effect, I became a person I didn’t recognize – a liar, a cheater, a hypocrite, and a general asshole. Here I was trying to defend lying down with another man’s wife as if that kind of shit happens on vacations when one spouse goes and the other stays at home with a toddler. It takes some real cojones to justify hooking up – even if all my wife did was nag and criticize me at every turn making me feel a bit emaciated and underappreciated, she’s still my wife. I love her through thick and thin, for better and for worse…you know, the vows we said to each other five years ago in front of 125 of our families and closest friends that I just ejaculated all over.

Could this be the reason why I spent so much of the week drinking myself silly and now why I want to crawl in a hole and die?

I was told, “Be careful” but by that time, I was already waist-high in sin with legs wrapped around me. It wasn’t like I scoffed at their words, but something had already happened and at that moment, it seemed like there was no turning back.

Hell, I had all sorts of controls to block me – or at least reconsider – what I was doing.

I fucked up royally – and right now, I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to come back from it.

I’m sorry.

I apologize first to God for breaking two of the Ten Commandments and ask forgiveness for all of my sins both by commission and omission, and to mold me into the man He wants me to be and whole lot less like the moronic Armstrong I’ve become.

I apologize to my significantly better half for committing adultery and ask for her forgiveness. I also acknowledge that even if she forgives me that she has a justifiable cause in never trusting me again, but that’s my damn fault. There is no one else to blame but me and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Just because I had the green light to wild out doesn’t mean I actually could for actions do come with consequences beyond an Eff You. Therefore, if she files for divorce, I cannot contest it because I’m the jackass who did the deed.

I apologize to my toddler daughter for not being the good daddy she needs. Although she’s not two years old yet, my actions certainly did not role model what being a good father looks like and should be.

Lastly, to the other woman:  I’m sorry for what I did to her. I understand she may not have an issue with what we did for those moments, but I know better and I should have stuck to my guns. She is beautiful and for a few days, I was legitimately smitten; unfortunately, she is not my wife and I let Bad MF get the best of me. The times we spent together were amazing yet I wish for my missus to have shared those moments with instead – and that is why I said she was worth it. I know she’s going to say I’m something else [and likely some unprintable stuff]; consequently, being something else has made me, me.  So, go ahead with the “you ain’t shit” fest as I certainly have earned that one. In addition, I’ve heard the “something else” quip more times in 38 years of life than I can count, and nine times out of ten, it hasn’t been a compliment.

I can no longer say that I am undefeated and it truly hurts the one I love the most.

I often told my wife that no one else in the world wanted me but her yet I failed her by following lust instead of holding on to the true love I had at home EVEN if I was hundreds of miles and in three different nations away.

I really fucked up and there is no way of getting around it.