Winning at Life Sometimes Translates to Losing at Fatherhood

Today is my twelfth of at least seventeen consecutive nights at work. While it is true that I have worked that string one other time (nearly four years ago after a coworker quit), things have changed:  instead of being relatively new at married life, we are a little more established in the rote communications of day-to-day life:  bill paying, checking up on the mister/missus, and maintaining the home and cars. More importantly, there is now a sixteen-month-old girl who captivates us with everything she does with her seemingly boundless energy in the picture. Yet, I feel like there are times which I am losing at fatherhood since I don’t get to participate in all of those priceless moments that I may never experience again.

On the outside it seems like I am winning at life – except for the craptastic job with the amazing schedule and superb family health insurance. Those who do not know the struggles only see the house, whatever I feel like smoking on the grill, my wife’s beautiful smile and can-do spirit, and me singing/praying/serving the church as an upbeat young deacon (in-training) and the food ministry coordinator, among other roles. Underneath the velour curtains and shiny veneers, I feel like I am a big loser, to use the Republican Party candidate’s innate mastery of simple mudslinging by resorting to childish name calling.

Why do I feel this way?

Because I work all of the time and when Caeli is at home with me, we are either asleep or in play mode for probably thirty minutes or so. I’d rather have the full fun day with baby bear, but daddy’s got to keep the lights on and gas in both cars. One thing I am appreciative of is the fact that we truly have a blast together and even in my forced workaholism, she easily recognizes – and perks up – to be around me for spoil time.

I’m not saying something is missing in my own life and so everyone knows, I am no longer a fan of lean management as it has taken so many days, weeks, and months away from my family. However, we did not set out on this journey two years ago for my wife to feel like she is a single parent because of my seemingly intermittent on-call work schedule. The money is cool and takes care of a lot of things, but it is not everything. I would rather have the memories than the dough, and to be a good dad than a genie-like great provider of only material stuff.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Matthew 16:26

— A. Cedric Armstrong (@cedteaches) June 14, 2016

In the midst of my occasional inadequate feelings, I discovered a lot about myself and have a lot to be proud of considering where my knowledge of babies came from and what to do with them when I cannot pass them along to a more experienced figure. Having the Internet at my fingertips alleviates what worries I cannot get an immediate answer for such as learning how to suction baby snot out of my daughter’s nose without traumatizing each other and eventually, picking out her extra-soft and curly Afro without hurting that tender headed child.

Caeli: Pick your Afro, daddy, because it’s flat on one side.

Me: (no words, picks out the flat side)

Ultimately I would be all-in for having that near-equal balance between being a working stiff and stiff dad and fortunately for me, my schedule works that way most of the time. I’d love to have all weekends off and to eventually take my little girl to school when she gets older – for now I must adjust to the environment which living by the phone necessitates. Achieving the sweep is going to take more than a few good days of winning as toddlers begin to find their own individualistic ways into everything not nailed down or covered up; even though I would love to become a full-time stay at home blogger/pit master, the utilities and mortgage have to be paid externally and on time.

Stay tuned for more of the awkward Dad Chronicles and my thoughts of some other stuff.

Happy Father’s Day.