I'm Trying To Do Better, Guys

Prejudice – an unfavorable opinion of a person due to their race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, etc.

Racism – the result of acting upon prejudices with power to discriminate against people in a systematic manner

More often than not, we see the memes of what a colorblind world should look like through children innocently playing. We see them more during times of racial conflict (ex:  Michael Brown in Ferguson, Sandra Bland in Prairie View, and the young man in Utah) than what many of us would consider peace time. In my neighborhood, that part (in our cluster of eight houses or so surrounding my own) looks like an everyday event – or will be in about five years or so as most of the children are babies and toddlers today and hopefully all will attend school in the same zone.

Aside from a few poignant exceptions, my observations of race and culture particularly with the current generation have generally been met with back slaps and high-fives as those words tend to ring hollow enough for us to think we’re doing a good job raising our children in a multicultural world. We think the future will be better for them than it was for us growing up and I am in that crowd of hoping and praying that Caeli never hears the N-word much less called that epithet despite the reality of  being black in America.

We’re better, but we’re still imperfect. Our prejudices sometimes get in the way of that melting pot we think the United States of America strives to be, leaving us to realize our nation is more of a tossed salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, eggs, croutons, bacon bits, mushrooms, grapes, dried cranberries, dressing, cheese, carrots, cubed ham, black olives, broccoli, and more lettuce than is necessary in our big bowl.

Keep in mind our world is so much more than black, white, red, yellow, brown, beiges, and all of the other colors of the rainbow.

Even as new babies, Caeli and Cooper have always had fun together

Also, guys, I’m trying to keep it real:  We’ve done an effed-up job dealing with race and trying to minimize that 800-pound elephant to something more palatable. As much as I’ve tried extending the olive branch, I have also been part of the problem and ask forgiveness for that glaring sin. I would love for Caeli and Cooper to end up lifelong friends, but if we (their parents) harbor any animus, then that may not happen as expected; ditto for her burgeoning friendships with Aaron, Samone, Donovan, Balon, and all of the other kids who happen to live on our street.

How do we combat our prejudices and racism? By being cognizant of the five things we intentionally or accidentally say and do:

·     We say one thing, but do another.

We tell the babies to love each other unconditionally, yet we give the side eye to the older blonde who touches their super curly Afros on their natural days. Have you prevented a child from playing with another kid because of his or her home situation, if his dad likes the Yankees or Cowboys, or the dirty clothes worn? While we may ignore that aspect, they pick up on our beliefs that Red Sox Nation is inherently better than Yankees fans and treat them condescendingly.

However, we cross the street and lock our car doors to avoid someone we deem dangerous. Do we explain why we just jaywalked across five lanes of traffic or sped out of the parking lot to our children? Or do we do these things with a fearful face and no explanation? If we choose the former and explain why the group of men standing near that alleyway could be dangerous in a way they understand not everyone is that way, then they learn to look at people as they are. By choosing the latter, they learn the racism [again, it is prejudice with action and power that suppresses another person or group based on the beliefs/experiences/interactions with one person] and automatically form the conclusion that those men are bad people.

·      We blurt out offensive things or post them to social media during tense moments.

This has happened:  When Prosecuting Attorney McCulloch announced that Officer Darren Wilson would not face criminal charges in the death of Michael Brown, I cried and cursed loudly. At the time, my wife was a few months’ pregnant with our daughter; she was the one who calmed me down after I wanted to “burn this bitch down” and whoop anyone riding through town brandishing a Confederate flag or chanting All Lives Matter because in my eyes, young Michael Brown did not matter to them as much more than another thug who deserved to be mowed down and left in the street like a common mutt. In that moment, it seemed like those dastardly white people did it again and I would have to introduce them to the Roots-style beatings Kunta Kinte took in the Alex Haley epic.

Since that day, I’ve (mostly) tried to remain understanding of all sides of such a tender issue although many of the people who read #DearWhitePeople last year think otherwise. While we know the realities of racial relations in this nation, it is eventually up to Caeli to form her own opinions even if they are contrary to what we hold dear. I was blessed to have parents who raised my brother and me to be open clear thinkers who understand how to present an argument beyond the talking points our media lazily passes as fact and question everything. Who knows, we might just learn something or empathize with a differing world view than what we were indoctrinated into.

·     We whitewash history.

Not everything we learn in school is the actual truth, nor is it the complete story. Here in the South, ugly aspects of American history tend to be glossed over as we lionize the ass-kickers who may not have been such courageous heroes (see Presidents Jackson, Lincoln, and Kennedy to an extent) as Jefferson Davis and Robert E. Lee are both glorified for their positions on slavery. We whitewash history to cover up some of the less palatable things that have happened such as slavery, Jim Crow, the internment camps like the one in Rowher, or the Stonewall and MOVE murders. By not providing all of the information necessary to truly understand the systems of oppression that affect us all, our children are missing a prime opportunity to rectify our sins with more than a mere Band-Aid. They need the truth if they are going to dismantle this institutionalized system within our lifetimes.

How?

We can share age-appropriate books and movies that present the truth of the difficult moments in history and answering their questions honestly. We introduce them to holidays that celebrate the fabric of our lives:  In addition to turning up July 4 for Independence Day, they should recognize Cinco de Mayo and Juneteenth as important days for brown and black freedoms. Our children should also know that black history happens all 365 (366 in Leap Years) days of the year!

·     We promote respectability politics.

Telling my daughter when she becomes of age what good girls should wear instead of what normal teens dress if they want to be respected is a way of promoting respectability politics. To her, it shows that you have to look, dress, speak, or think a certain way to be respected – and in the grand scheme of life, it can devalue her own intrinsic contributions to the broader society.

All people deserve to be unconditionally treated with respect. With respectability politics, it only allows for a select few to enjoy that luxury; in other words, it’s okay to share our prejudices because the powers that be deem themselves worthy of adulation and all others lesser. Guess what? We’re implicitly teaching the babies to stereotype based on appearance.

Instead, let us try to teach them why some people are uncomfortable with black boys like my nephews wearing hoodies and Black Lives Matter t-shirts or my nieces wearing volleyball shorts in public showing their more physically developed thighs and derrieres being automatically labeled as thugs and hos by racists, sexists, and those who are still hiding behind their own prejudice. Put the shame on society instead of these young victims.

·     We remain silent when the time to speak arises.

When we remain silent in the times when someone needs to stand up and speak, we simply are cosigning to their prejudices and racism. Keep in mind it wasn’t that long ago when water fountains and bathrooms were racially segregated. We can talk about in private with our children, but if we don’t take a stand in public, that indecision speaks volumes of what we really are about as adults – and curators of a child’s life.

In an increasingly outwardly secular world, we must be able to present real facts about the issues even if they do not agree with our moral standards. As a practicing Christian, I know that homosexuality is a sin; however, as a citizen of this nation, we also must respect those households with two moms or two dads because they are doing the same jobs as the traditional two-parent household such as the one I head. Would I prevent my child from spending the night with another girl if her parents were gay? No, but as with any other parent, my daughter’s safety and well-being is my Number One priority. That will never change.

Our prejudices can be the difference between our children becoming either advocates or bullies.

I’m trying to do better at staying woke and raise a toddler to adulthood who is aware of the world surrounding her beyond the prism of privilege. Admitting that I do have biases – law enforcement still spooks me even as a decent citizen, and some people will not acknowledge your name and titles, instead using common pronouns him or her as descriptors. This is a journey that I don’t have to embark upon alone – we can do it together. Is this a bit idealistic? Perhaps it is, but I can still hold out a sliver of hope that my daughter’s generation can find a way to look and act more like God’s kingdom while behaving less like the little fiefdoms we put up to separate ourselves from one another.