Rules of the Cookout in the Dub Shack

Rules of the Cookout in the Dub Shack

Me at work. Food will be ready in fifteen minutes! #BYOB pic.twitter.com/zMvtiuG73S

— A. Cedric Armstrong (@cedteaches) May 30, 2016

1. BYOB.
2. The meat will be done when it’s done. Be cool, man:  I may have had to work last night, so don’t badger me about the brisket at 11 when the rest of the meat won’t be ready until around 2.
3. Make your contributions valuable. I got the meat on lockdown, so that means the rest of you are in charge of sides and shit – and I’m not just talking about clamshells and heavy-duty aluminum foil and to-go plates.
4. Watch your kids.
5. The bedrooms are off-limits. This is a cookout, not an open house.
6. If you have legitimate special nutritional needs and not the usual “seefood” diet, let me know ahead of time. We don’t want to risk anaphylaxis on account of the peanut butter platter (ants on a log) at the end of the snack table or watch the vegans starve while June Bug destroys the ribs.
7. Eat plenty, but also consider that not everyone may have gotten through the line the first time when your greedy behind wants seconds – or thirds.
8. The pit master controls the music. Period.
9. Don’t invite people we don’t already know well enough as if this were a free-for-all. We love you, but Juneteenth/July 4/Labor Day is not the time to vet new people nor allow potential peeping eyes to burglarize our real estate.
10. If you are easily butt hurt or instigating trouble, then don’t talk trash.
11. Keep sidepieces at home. I don’t need that kind of drama in the Dub Shack.
12. If the meat is ready by 2, that means don’t come by after 4 thinking you’re getting some prime brisket or the best burgers:  You may end up angry with me when I hand you a veggie burger or grilled potted meat, a teeny-tiny bag of Fritos and bottled water. In other words, be prompt.
13. The kiddie pools are not for your crusty feet. They are for the babies.
14. DO NOT MAKE TO-GO PLATES BEFORE EVERYONE HAS EATEN! I cannot stress this enough, you greedy mofos.
15. Have fun!
As homeowners, we reserve the right to turn people away at-will and are not responsible for any damages due to your bad behavior in any attempt to get paid.

Here are the rules: See y'all at the Dub Shack soon. Don't be in violation! pic.twitter.com/VREEHceCq0

— A. Cedric Armstrong (@cedteaches) June 6, 2016