The Moment Dude Became Dad

Friday, February 13, 2015.

4:18 am.

It’s also the moment our daughter Caeli (pronounced kay-lee) Elise was born and certainly the scariest moment of my 36 years. Was she breathing? Is she going to be OK? How’s Chastity doing? Those were the questions I pondered as I sat in the waiting room outside Labor and ICU, praying to God that everything will turn out fine in his name and will. In black Starter gym shorts and flip flops, I shook in a chair holding my laptop and cell phone – why did I have the computer with me was beyond me – but it was what I grabbed. Even as a man of God, I admit that I was afraid during those moments as a result of how labor went for us and how helpless I became now that the minute I needed to be strong, I felt queasy. My stomach turned over and over, twisted into knots all because the two females in my life were not near me.

Shortly after she was resuscitated, I finally got to meet Caeli, and you know what? She is the most beautiful, precious little girl I have ever laid eyes on. That head of hair, those eyebrows, the long arms and legs were perfect! Despite her diminutive size (she weighed one pound and eight ounces, and measured 12.4 inches – not much more than a Barbie doll), my mini-me is the blessing we’ve prayed and tried for all of this time. I just hope I can be the dad she needs in this cold world, protecting her from all things and never letting go. In five days, I have only begun to grasp the veracity of dude becoming dad, and it is honestly overwhelming. Will she have a better childhood than I did? (Sidebar: Mine was pretty damn good, if I say so myself. Thanks, Mom and Dad!) Which daycare should she go to? Will she attend public or private school, and what are the ramifications of that decision? Who can I talk to about establishing a 529 plan for her, and at least a legit savings account? How can I prepare her for an environment which presents the world is her oyster, there are people who do not think little African-American girls like Caeli are equal in their eyesight and some parents do not want their children to play with her? I know being a good father is providing far more than a dollars, so how will she remember those moments like bathing, being held, hugged, kissed, and otherwise doted upon if I am constantly working? What if my best efforts aren’t enough? Our home is definitely a God-fearing pad, so how can I teach her the ways of thus said the Lord in a manner that 1) she understands, and 2) will not depart from the teachings when she grows up?

Fatherhood is the greatest challenge I’ve ever endeavored and it frankly scares the shit out of me.

Maybe my concerns are overwrought, but maybe not. I only want the best for her and her mother; therefore, I have to give up the dude mentality. You know, the dude is the one who is willing to take crazy chances such as “hey, watch this!” and doing 100 on the highway just because I can. For three-and-a-half years, I’ve only had to answer to Chastity (let her tell it, I’m going to do whatever I want anyway), but now both of my ladies really need me, I’d better stick around. The absolute last thing I need is to do something so stupid that I’m not around to take Caeli to school, attend father-daughter dances, put the fear of God in her boyfriends (hopefully she doesn’t date before 21, but every guy says that), eventually walk her down the aisle, and grow old with her mother. I love them both dearly and perhaps to my detriment, but my life is no longer my own. While every Christian makes that similar statement, I pray that God makes me the husband and father I need to be in their lives.

I find it funny that I “finally” grew up only two years ago although I’ve largely taken care of myself since nineteen. Aside from attending college at Ouachita Baptist (hey, we’re both Henderson State graduates), I want Caeli to know she can do and be anything she wants. Of course, if she gets full tuition paid across the street, I can vouch for a Tiger. I’m not that rigid.

Friday, February 13, 2015 was the greatest and scariest day of my life for it is not only the day our daughter was born but also the one when this dude became a dad. In addition, Valentine’s Day came a day early for me thanks to my queen and little princess both being healthy. My prayer for today is that our three lives serve as testimonies that are my delight and counselors as Psalm 119:24 indicates.