Being Dad To A Beautiful Preemie Girl

In the last post, I told you that Caeli was born last Friday morning. She is a week old today and hands down the most beautiful little girl I have ever laid my eyes on. I know she recognizes our voices and the touch from our hands and although we cannot hold her yet, she has become the center of our universe and I thank God for each moment I do have with her. To be 100% honest with you, I really do not want to be at work or at home or anywhere away from her at this point; I just want her with me. Seeing her via Angel Eye from home alleviates some of the worry yet I feel like it isn’t enough. I know the nurses and doctors are doing their very best with her and God will take care of her through the roller coaster of life in the NICU, but what can I do? How can I help Caeli’s growth along that she can come home with us a healthy baby?

To catch the gravitas of how small she is, think back to the Barbie dolls of most girls’ childhoods. If that isn’t enough, I have a picture of my wedding band on her arm as Caeli holds my wife’s engagement ring.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend, even when she's days old.

Traditionally, people come to the aid of the mother – and I am eternally grateful for the outpouring of support for Chastity in every way possible – trust me. She truly thanks everyone who is praying for great health, calling, dropping off food, willing to do laundry, cooking, helping out around the house, etc. I have taken pictures every day I have been with her, made a video, and am simply cherishing every second with her. One thing I have discovered about Caeli so far is she is one resilient little sister! She’s also picked up her mother’s fashion sense of feng shui by rearranging her incubator to her liking and flow.

The hardest thing about being the father of a week-old daughter whose gestation age is 25 weeks is seeing her so helpless and hearing all of those alarms go off for what seems like 24/7, and not being able to do anything to help. Every time I hear a beep, my eyes dart over to the charts and computer screens; I don’t understand everything about what the NICU staff is doing, but I am trying to get it. Those of you who have been receiving my updates through text message surely can sense the uncertainty in my words. I am trying to be the rock my wife needs in this hour, but I need to steal some time away for myself to cry. Caeli needs a strong daddy to reassure her that everything will be all right; Chastity needs her husband to be built Ford-tough and remain like a rock in the way Bob Seger sung about many years ago.

What I have been able to do beyond giving my alms to God is clean and sanitize the breast pump supplies and label the milk as it is being produced. At home, I’ve not been able to be as hands-on because of my twelve-hour night schedule. It is being frozen and goes back to UAMS on the first day off I get so Caeli can have a steady supply of the sweet stuff. We are also creating a shadow box of everything she is using:  tubes, wires, fresh diapers, bottles, etc. as items to treasure when she gets old enough to appreciate them.

O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, as You will. – Matthew 26:39

I know it is too easy to focus on Armstrong and my own selfish wants, passions, and desires of wanting baby Caeli to come home to continue filling our lives with joy. Lord, forgive me of that. Help me to place You first and to look for what You are doing and want to do in my life. Teach me patience in Your ways and remind me that things do not always happen when I snap my fingers or want them to occur.