I messed
around and did the one thing I would have never sworn I would do: I cheated on my wife on vacation.
It’s already
obvious that I fucked up royally (read These Are My Confessions for the
full backstory, or the version I feel like publishing), so I would prefer not
to hear or read judgmental comments about what I did, why, and so forth. I
still am uncomfortable about writing about what happened as I rightfully
should, and as we work on repairing our marriage, I only ask for prayers to
pick up the pieces from what led me to stray from those vows we repeated to
each other in front of 125+ souls five years ago on the hottest day of 2011 and
we are able to emerge stronger for the sins I committed against God and
Chastity.
It should
have never happened, but since it did, where do we go?
One critical
lesson from the fling is being upfront with everything that transpired. No one
thinks that a smile or a quick peck on the cheek can lead to so much (I damn
sure didn’t) nor would the other partner not ask for the cell phone, credit
card statements, etc. Hiding anything at this point is only going to foster
more distrust – and by now, every minute detail has to be corroborated before
it is accepted as truth. Even if I am going to the grocery store, it has to be
to the store and directly back; any delay means I need to let her know what
took longer than expected. Detours are also out of the question.
I wasn’t as
strong as I thought I was.
I am
well-known in many quarters for remaining levelheaded in the worst of times and
yet, I couldn’t see that this woman laid out a pretty picnic for me that in
turn should have been a trap to avoid a mile away! Being spiritually stronger
wouldn’t have helped me stand in the midst of a naked curvy lady who had
already aroused Bad MF, but it certainly would have allowed for me to divert my
eyes, attention, and actions toward something else. I feel like crap now even
thinking about her now regardless of the otherwise good times I had on vacation
week. Was there a vulnerability exposed? Sure, yet it still doesn’t excuse lust
or adultery.
Cutting the
rope is the best policy EVER.
Because of whom
I am and the various people I interact with, I made the decision to stay in
touch after vacation by exchanging phone numbers and connecting via Facebook.
Who else would know the intimate details of a carefree week in the western
Caribbean and central America although it was with someone I wasn’t married to
much less look at the whispers and kisses stolen wistfully? Bad mistake: Once I gave my wife my phone, I knew then I
should’ve left those events on the ship and at the very least, deleted the
conversations. Happily married men
aren’t exactly players or even looking to be players, especially after a few
years of matrimonial bliss and managing the routine ups and downs of married
life – the bill paying, child rearing, home and auto upkeep, etc. The other
woman made me feel special for a few days; unfortunately, she was the wrong
person for the perfect time and that is why I am writing this post and paying
for it daily. By cutting the rope – deleting the social media friendship and
her phone number, which surprisingly I do not have memorized considering my
near-photographic memory and fascination with numbers of any sequence since
childhood, it hopefully shows my wife that I am committed to only her and
pushing forward from where I went wrong. I ended up sending a goodbye text a
few days later to start the healing process:
I love Chastity with everything in me and although "Becky" made me feel
like a legend for five days, I still have to atone for my mistakes. Cutting the latter out of my life is a critical first step
for I wouldn’t be the man I need to be for the former and our daughter if we
continued our correspondence. Besides, Bryant is a six-hour drive from Fort
Worth on Interstate 30 and for the tank(s) of gas my car would require, maintaining
said affair would have become cost-prohibitive very quickly.
Own it and
make the appropriate moves to rectify said actions.
Yeah, I
fucked up. Big time.
I’m pretty
sure you can tell that by now. I’m sorry for the actual deed more than for
being found out – it was probably only a matter of time – but that is for me to
continually apologize to Chastity and prove to her that 1) I was obviously
wrong; 2) I want us to work out and remain in our marriage; and 3) I have to rededicate
myself not only to God, but also to her. Beyond breaking in more knee pads in
prayer, several options exist including counseling, therapy, self-reflection,
and finding an ear that will not condemn the violator; if I cannot learn from
it, they say I am destined to repeat it. Trust
me when I say this will never happen again. This is part of the price I now
have to pay for a few moments’ pleasure. Don’t forget to get a STD test if the
other partner has not indicated one as a requirement EVEN if you both wore
protection!
Time heals
most wounds and asking for forgiveness isn’t such a shabby idea.
The closest
event in the Bible I can compare my transgression to is the story of David
lusting after (and impregnating) Bathsheba, and to cover it up, he had her
husband placed on the front line of war to surely be killed. While I wouldn’t
want anything harmful toward the husband of the woman I gave the D to, I tried
to hide it when I got home by deleting the initial conversations. However, when
my phone started pinging at an abnormal rate the following week, my wife became
suspicious of my activities and sneaky smirks. I couldn’t chalk up all of the
pings to multiple emails – I refuse to connect my work account to my Samsung smartphone
for that very reason although my other two personal accounts are synced to it
and I was in the process of adding our joint email to the device – and this is how
I was caught up. It’s pretty safe to say denial would have gotten me nowhere
after so long.
In 2 Samuel
11 we found out David had begun to become complacent with his spiritual
responsibilities and delegated Joab and his servants to defeat the Ammonites in
war as he remained in Jerusalem. Could it have been his midlife crisis? What
about taking an owed rest after years of extending Israel’s borders and
securing them from every major surrounding nation? While his subjects fought,
he lies in bed all day doing nothing.
This evasion
of responsibility is often the first sign of a spiritual decline. I know I’m
talking about myself [sporadic attendance at 11 am worship although I’ve worked
the night shift for the past nine years; overreliance on empowering others in
ministry for my eventual and hopefully painless departure instead of doing the
work myself; becoming comfortable in my own skin with staying home on Sundays
and Wednesdays; and so forth]. The story begins with “Now when evening came
David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house” (2
Samuel 11:2). He had been in bed all day doing nothing! He didn’t have
paperwork or logistics to work on nor did he have family matters to tend to. The
internet didn’t exist in those days meaning no Facebook stalking or trolling on
Twitter or cute cat videos to view on YouTube. In other words, he sloughed off
the day. From the roof he saw a very beautiful woman bathing outside in all of
her ‘bucky nekkidness’ and instead of turning his head, David studied that body
and thought, “I gotta smash that dime!”
As the title
of this post is called After Temptation Island: The Lessons, let us understand that
there is no sin in being tempted; after all, remember even Jesus was tempted by
the devil during His forty-day fast in the desert. Lingering around, playing
with it, even spitting game (flirting to those of a certain age) – or putting
eyeballs and freaky thoughts to the temptation – is the sin. We can tantalize
ourselves to the point that resisting the sin is no longer an option because
we’re going to dive in anyway.
From the other post, I was already waist-deep in
the sin with legs wrapped around me looking forward to the next rendezvous
because as wrong as it was, the extramarital sex was a dangerous kind of
adrenaline rush similar to bungee jumping or car surfing.
Infidelity
has led to emptiness indescribable even by this wordsmith. Why did I do it even
knowing the consequences would be this great?
Temptation
Island has become a literal island in our lives as we lose friends and family
members remove themselves from us and our iniquities.
Guilt causes
us to lash out most harshly and severely at the sins of others when we have
transgressed in the same way and have the most junk falling out of our closets.
Like I said, I never once anticipated or even considered cheating on my wife but
it happened.
David and
Bathsheba did come back from adultery to being the parents of Solomon – the
wisest man who lived – who would later reign in David’s place and rebuild the
Temple. Moreover, Bathsheba was one of the four women referred to in the
genealogy of our Lord Jesus Christ!
In the case
of infidelities, people are often referred to the Parable of the Prodigal Son (see
Luke 15:11-32 for the story) as a teachable reference. After the younger son
(comparable to the unfaithful partner) leaves with his inheritance to party
like a rock star, he finds himself having squandered what he was gifted with
and is forced to live worse than the father’s lowliest servant until he decides
to go home not as a proud son but instead a broken man desperately needing to
reset his own life and priorities. As he began the journey home, the son
reminisced about the excesses he had at home and what he would do to start at
the bottom of the organization! Everyone had so much and I so little, the son
thought as he sadly trudged down the road home. Once his father saw him, he was
eager to take him back without question or quip for no amount of wealth or
rebellion could get in the way of the father’s patience and unconditional love
for the son.
Did I take
my marriage for granted at times? Yeah, though it was completely unintentional.
I was away
from home for almost everything for several months and let’s not forget about
that four-month bender earlier this year when I only saw my bed and job. It’s
still not an excuse for what happened that week on the cruise and I fully own
it.
Did I feel
underappreciated at any point? At times, I did; I’m sure it’s chalked up to how
men and women hear versus how we listen. I would hear but sometimes
conveniently tune out the things I didn’t want to hear in fear of yet another
argument. As the primary breadwinner in the Dub Shack, it also seemed as if all
I did was work to pay bills instead of being able to enjoy some of the fruits
of my six nights per week labor – and no, unique craft beers alone do not
always count as rewards for surviving 72-hour workweeks.
Was I
vulnerable? Maybe I was and didn’t realize it.
I think I’m
a pretty decent dad and solid provider for the family, but something was
missing. Unfortunately, I went about it the wrong way trying to find it and
damn near lost everything in the process.
Trust takes
years to build and only a few seconds less than a Michael Bay movie to seriously
blow shit up.
To rebuild
that trust so it can outlast the Broadway Bridge on demolition day, try these
steps:
·
Open
communication. Both parties should try to be able to talk openly and honestly,
and reciprocate the feelings. If an argument happens, fight fairly without
bringing up old stuff.
·
Be
on the same team. Unlike Democrats and Republicans or Reddies and Tigers, the
marriage is going to take on a different view than what is was before the
infidelity happened. Focus daily on getting back tight again, to quote Jaheim. She
does have the right to dip out.
·
Live
in the now. It seems cruel and douchey considering what happened, but living in
the present and building the future is better than holding on to grudges from
the past. The betrayed has every right under the sun to be angry, hurt, and sad
yet if he or she cannot move into the present, the relationship is no longer
worth saving.
·
Trust
yourself. If you don’t trust yourself, how can you move forward to having a
healthy relationship with anyone? If something doesn’t quite feel right,
rethink about whether or not it is right for
you.
·
Take
responsibility. In my case, I know I fucked up royally. I’ve had to come to grips
with what caused me to get involved with another man’s wife and deal with the
fallout from it.
·
Keep
promises. I really have to follow through on things I say I am doing and show
that I am worthy of her trust again.
·
Give
her space. Both parties need time away from each other and to compress the things
that have transpired, so let the betrayed have time away to find herself.
In the
coming days, I am continually asking for prayer warriors to intercede without
identifying or judging us in what easily is the toughest moment of our lives
for reconciliation and to pick up the pieces from something neither of us ever
expected.
