After Temptation Island: The Lessons

I messed around and did the one thing I would have never sworn I would do:  I cheated on my wife on vacation.

It’s already obvious that I fucked up royally (read These Are My Confessions for the full backstory, or the version I feel like publishing), so I would prefer not to hear or read judgmental comments about what I did, why, and so forth. I still am uncomfortable about writing about what happened as I rightfully should, and as we work on repairing our marriage, I only ask for prayers to pick up the pieces from what led me to stray from those vows we repeated to each other in front of 125+ souls five years ago on the hottest day of 2011 and we are able to emerge stronger for the sins I committed against God and Chastity.

It should have never happened, but since it did, where do we go?

One critical lesson from the fling is being upfront with everything that transpired. No one thinks that a smile or a quick peck on the cheek can lead to so much (I damn sure didn’t) nor would the other partner not ask for the cell phone, credit card statements, etc. Hiding anything at this point is only going to foster more distrust – and by now, every minute detail has to be corroborated before it is accepted as truth. Even if I am going to the grocery store, it has to be to the store and directly back; any delay means I need to let her know what took longer than expected. Detours are also out of the question.

I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.

I am well-known in many quarters for remaining levelheaded in the worst of times and yet, I couldn’t see that this woman laid out a pretty picnic for me that in turn should have been a trap to avoid a mile away! Being spiritually stronger wouldn’t have helped me stand in the midst of a naked curvy lady who had already aroused Bad MF, but it certainly would have allowed for me to divert my eyes, attention, and actions toward something else. I feel like crap now even thinking about her now regardless of the otherwise good times I had on vacation week. Was there a vulnerability exposed? Sure, yet it still doesn’t excuse lust or adultery.

Cutting the rope is the best policy EVER.

Because of whom I am and the various people I interact with, I made the decision to stay in touch after vacation by exchanging phone numbers and connecting via Facebook. Who else would know the intimate details of a carefree week in the western Caribbean and central America although it was with someone I wasn’t married to much less look at the whispers and kisses stolen wistfully? Bad mistake:  Once I gave my wife my phone, I knew then I should’ve left those events on the ship and at the very least, deleted the conversations.  Happily married men aren’t exactly players or even looking to be players, especially after a few years of matrimonial bliss and managing the routine ups and downs of married life – the bill paying, child rearing, home and auto upkeep, etc. The other woman made me feel special for a few days; unfortunately, she was the wrong person for the perfect time and that is why I am writing this post and paying for it daily. By cutting the rope – deleting the social media friendship and her phone number, which surprisingly I do not have memorized considering my near-photographic memory and fascination with numbers of any sequence since childhood, it hopefully shows my wife that I am committed to only her and pushing forward from where I went wrong. I ended up sending a goodbye text a few days later to start the healing process:  I love Chastity with everything in me and although "Becky" made me feel like a legend for five days, I still have to atone for my mistakes. Cutting the latter out of my life is a critical first step for I wouldn’t be the man I need to be for the former and our daughter if we continued our correspondence. Besides, Bryant is a six-hour drive from Fort Worth on Interstate 30 and for the tank(s) of gas my car would require, maintaining said affair would have become cost-prohibitive very quickly.

Own it and make the appropriate moves to rectify said actions.

Yeah, I fucked up. Big time. 

I’m pretty sure you can tell that by now. I’m sorry for the actual deed more than for being found out – it was probably only a matter of time – but that is for me to continually apologize to Chastity and prove to her that 1) I was obviously wrong; 2) I want us to work out and remain in our marriage; and 3) I have to rededicate myself not only to God, but also to her. Beyond breaking in more knee pads in prayer, several options exist including counseling, therapy, self-reflection, and finding an ear that will not condemn the violator; if I cannot learn from it, they say I am destined to repeat it. Trust me when I say this will never happen again. This is part of the price I now have to pay for a few moments’ pleasure. Don’t forget to get a STD test if the other partner has not indicated one as a requirement EVEN if you both wore protection!

Time heals most wounds and asking for forgiveness isn’t such a shabby idea.

The closest event in the Bible I can compare my transgression to is the story of David lusting after (and impregnating) Bathsheba, and to cover it up, he had her husband placed on the front line of war to surely be killed. While I wouldn’t want anything harmful toward the husband of the woman I gave the D to, I tried to hide it when I got home by deleting the initial conversations. However, when my phone started pinging at an abnormal rate the following week, my wife became suspicious of my activities and sneaky smirks. I couldn’t chalk up all of the pings to multiple emails – I refuse to connect my work account to my Samsung smartphone for that very reason although my other two personal accounts are synced to it and I was in the process of adding our joint email to the device – and this is how I was caught up. It’s pretty safe to say denial would have gotten me nowhere after so long.  

In 2 Samuel 11 we found out David had begun to become complacent with his spiritual responsibilities and delegated Joab and his servants to defeat the Ammonites in war as he remained in Jerusalem. Could it have been his midlife crisis? What about taking an owed rest after years of extending Israel’s borders and securing them from every major surrounding nation? While his subjects fought, he lies in bed all day doing nothing.

This evasion of responsibility is often the first sign of a spiritual decline. I know I’m talking about myself [sporadic attendance at 11 am worship although I’ve worked the night shift for the past nine years; overreliance on empowering others in ministry for my eventual and hopefully painless departure instead of doing the work myself; becoming comfortable in my own skin with staying home on Sundays and Wednesdays; and so forth]. The story begins with “Now when evening came David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king’s house” (2 Samuel 11:2). He had been in bed all day doing nothing! He didn’t have paperwork or logistics to work on nor did he have family matters to tend to. The internet didn’t exist in those days meaning no Facebook stalking or trolling on Twitter or cute cat videos to view on YouTube. In other words, he sloughed off the day. From the roof he saw a very beautiful woman bathing outside in all of her ‘bucky nekkidness’ and instead of turning his head, David studied that body and thought, “I gotta smash that dime!”

As the title of this post is called After Temptation Island:  The Lessons, let us understand that there is no sin in being tempted; after all, remember even Jesus was tempted by the devil during His forty-day fast in the desert. Lingering around, playing with it, even spitting game (flirting to those of a certain age) – or putting eyeballs and freaky thoughts to the temptation – is the sin. We can tantalize ourselves to the point that resisting the sin is no longer an option because we’re going to dive in anyway.

From the other post, I was already waist-deep in the sin with legs wrapped around me looking forward to the next rendezvous because as wrong as it was, the extramarital sex was a dangerous kind of adrenaline rush similar to bungee jumping or car surfing.

Infidelity has led to emptiness indescribable even by this wordsmith. Why did I do it even knowing the consequences would be this great?

When sin affects our praise and worship of the Lord, we know we’re in a bad place.

— 🦁 shall wear the 👑 (@cedteaches) December 6, 2016

Temptation Island has become a literal island in our lives as we lose friends and family members remove themselves from us and our iniquities.

Guilt causes us to lash out most harshly and severely at the sins of others when we have transgressed in the same way and have the most junk falling out of our closets. Like I said, I never once anticipated or even considered cheating on my wife but it happened.

God forgives. He also wants us to confess it, forsake it, and forget it albeit those words are easier said than done.

— 🦁 shall wear the 👑 (@cedteaches) December 6, 2016

David and Bathsheba did come back from adultery to being the parents of Solomon – the wisest man who lived – who would later reign in David’s place and rebuild the Temple. Moreover, Bathsheba was one of the four women referred to in the genealogy of our Lord Jesus Christ!

In the case of infidelities, people are often referred to the Parable of the Prodigal Son (see Luke 15:11-32 for the story) as a teachable reference. After the younger son (comparable to the unfaithful partner) leaves with his inheritance to party like a rock star, he finds himself having squandered what he was gifted with and is forced to live worse than the father’s lowliest servant until he decides to go home not as a proud son but instead a broken man desperately needing to reset his own life and priorities. As he began the journey home, the son reminisced about the excesses he had at home and what he would do to start at the bottom of the organization! Everyone had so much and I so little, the son thought as he sadly trudged down the road home. Once his father saw him, he was eager to take him back without question or quip for no amount of wealth or rebellion could get in the way of the father’s patience and unconditional love for the son.

Did I take my marriage for granted at times? Yeah, though it was completely unintentional.

I was away from home for almost everything for several months and let’s not forget about that four-month bender earlier this year when I only saw my bed and job. It’s still not an excuse for what happened that week on the cruise and I fully own it.

Did I feel underappreciated at any point? At times, I did; I’m sure it’s chalked up to how men and women hear versus how we listen. I would hear but sometimes conveniently tune out the things I didn’t want to hear in fear of yet another argument. As the primary breadwinner in the Dub Shack, it also seemed as if all I did was work to pay bills instead of being able to enjoy some of the fruits of my six nights per week labor – and no, unique craft beers alone do not always count as rewards for surviving 72-hour workweeks.

Was I vulnerable? Maybe I was and didn’t realize it.

I think I’m a pretty decent dad and solid provider for the family, but something was missing. Unfortunately, I went about it the wrong way trying to find it and damn near lost everything in the process.

Trust takes years to build and only a few seconds less than a Michael Bay movie to seriously blow shit up. 

To rebuild that trust so it can outlast the Broadway Bridge on demolition day, try these steps:

·        Open communication. Both parties should try to be able to talk openly and honestly, and reciprocate the feelings. If an argument happens, fight fairly without bringing up old stuff.

·        Be on the same team. Unlike Democrats and Republicans or Reddies and Tigers, the marriage is going to take on a different view than what is was before the infidelity happened. Focus daily on getting back tight again, to quote Jaheim. She does have the right to dip out.

·        Live in the now. It seems cruel and douchey considering what happened, but living in the present and building the future is better than holding on to grudges from the past. The betrayed has every right under the sun to be angry, hurt, and sad yet if he or she cannot move into the present, the relationship is no longer worth saving.

·        Trust yourself. If you don’t trust yourself, how can you move forward to having a healthy relationship with anyone? If something doesn’t quite feel right, rethink about whether or not it is right for you.

·        Take responsibility. In my case, I know I fucked up royally. I’ve had to come to grips with what caused me to get involved with another man’s wife and deal with the fallout from it.

·        Keep promises. I really have to follow through on things I say I am doing and show that I am worthy of her trust again.

·        Give her space. Both parties need time away from each other and to compress the things that have transpired, so let the betrayed have time away to find herself.

In the coming days, I am continually asking for prayer warriors to intercede without identifying or judging us in what easily is the toughest moment of our lives for reconciliation and to pick up the pieces from something neither of us ever expected.