a period of extended depression

i write with an inkling to scream rather loudly.
nothing in my life seems to be working, as you can see.
i'm underemployed, tired of being broke and feeling like y'all think i owe you something.
what can i give you? the bank is closed, and i'm not talking about the brick-and-mortar one
the bank i speak of is emotional, psychological, and spiritual.
i'm creative but the dr. pepper seems to have bypassed my brain;
a lukewarm spirit leads me to believe that God has chunked up the deuces toward me -
i am now what consider a lost christian: heaven bound but teetering on a hellish existence daily;
flashbacks of that nigga thief who screws twelve-year-old girls haunt me continuously
even though the truth proved i was neither of those people, i still fear my nightmares...
and that other one. the one i fall asleep driving home from work.
i completely miss a hairpin curve, careen through a mini-pine forest,
and crash my truck into the largest, sturdiest red oak tree around.
the impact ejects me through the open sunroof and i lay dead approximately sixty-seven feet away.
a wicked-bloody twisted mess of a man.
the county coroner didn't even recognize the mangled body was human because one he found me, i was decomposing.
so much for cremation.

these days, i stare blankly at twenty-one freshmen hoping they never feel what i feel.
they are wonderful souls (second period) who need some guidance and happy-go-lucky role model to lead the way.
in my mind, they are my life - what else do i have?
i'll be better and life will return to normal soon. today looks good, and tomorrow even better.