Tired!

Truthfully, I'm tired.

I'm tired of turning on the TV or checking Twitter to find out another African-American brother or sister has been gunned down for something senseless like asking for help.

I'm tired of having to remain hyper-vigilant at all times around law enforcement who may just see me as a big black man (6', 260 lbs) who is out to break a law or have sex with anything walking. Yes, Avon, Conway, and Benton police departments, I'm looking squarely at you.

I'm tired of internet thugs who do nothing but contribute more to the problems instead of coming up with a constructive solution.

I'm tired of the stares received when I decide to take my wife to dinner at some casual restaurant like we cannot afford to eat there - or even supposed to be there.

I'm tired of the tired stereotypes themselves. I can't dance, gave up basketball several years ago, and cannot rap to save my life.

I'm tired of the consistent disrespect people have shown President Obama. I showed President Bush respect for his ideas and actions - his administration lost me after the slow response to Hurricane Katrina. I understand it was an act of God, but the humanitarian issue is the one I was more concerned about.

I'm tired of worrying that my next trip to work will be my last trip away from home. Haskell, Arkansas is a sundown town, but it is also where my employer is located. The local police may have an ax to grind one night and choose me as the next one to die.

I'm tired of the deafening silence from this generation of African-American movers and shakers. Just because you made it out doesn't mean you can forsake those who are still struggling. You (and I) are just members of the lucky sperm and egg club.

I'm tired of people hiding behind religion to cover up their own sins. God knows we're not perfect, so while we act high and mighty about one sin over another, God decries that sin is sin no matter what it is. Divorce is as much of a sin as homosexuality, just as gluttony and racism.

I'm tired of mainstream media depicting my people as common thugs and animals. You would think we were still living in the 1960s from the ways we are being treated. A peaceful march does not require riot gear and snarling dogs.

I'm tired of being limited by prospective employers regarding my knowledge and experiences as a result of seeing the dark skin and goatee. I understand technical writers in Arkansas will have a tougher time finding work, but it does not mean we are automatically jettisoned to the secretarial pool or the back room. Wait, I do function as the mad genius at my job.

I'm tired of having to pass on the same talk to the younger brothers about the dangerous world my parents gave me about the majority and how black males are seen. However, I am eternally grateful for that conversation.

I'm tired of race being the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Being conciliatory means you're weak, and showing a militant solution ends any discussion toward a common solution.

I'm tired of not being valued. Drake did say that motherf*ckers never loved us. That being said, why should I disarm your fears for you not to kill me? Why do you think I am doing something wrong? Should you be intimidated by my tall white t-shirt or Dwyane Wade jersey, loud chopped and screwed rap music, bald head, as much as my pressed shirt and tie? That was me as recent as five years ago. The same professional could dress down to something casual and receive a very different reaction. No matter what, we matter.

I'm just tired.