Do I Really Know You?

Gone are the days of “friending” and “following” everybody and their mamas on social media just because it seemed to be the cool thing to do. After dabbling in the Facebook (’07), Twitter, LinkedIn and Google + (’11) arenas, I have come to discover that I really don’t know people in the ways I thought I did. It’s also why I am finally becoming more selective of who I allow in that world, just as I am in the real world. Some of my personal criteria are spelled out below, but I reserve the right to include (or reject) you from my sphere, as there are exceptions to every rule.

Did I go to school with you? Just because you attended Henderson State or Conway High does not automatically mean I will gladly accept you. There are people I simply don’t know, and others who have shown enough of their characters for me not to associate with them. It’s one thing for me to have known you since the first grade through classes, and another to be a lifelong friend since freshman year in Newberry Hall. If our relationship isn’t tangible, then that becomes a no.

Have I seen or talked to you in the last five years? I’ll include comments via social media as conversing. If I have seen, hung out, or talked with you within the last five years, then you’re a pretty decent soul in my eyes – and this does not include the obligatory Happy Birthday verbal massage via Facebook. I used to have a six-month expiration date on cultivating friendships, but life sort of gets in the way meaning I have stretched that out to five years. Beyond that timeline, we really don’t matter to each other.

Did (or do) I ever work with you? With some exceptions, I generally do not friend my co-workers because once I leave that circle we have in common, there is nothing else. Let those experiences remain in the past, yet keep a positive image out there as you never know when you may need a recommendation for the next adventurous endeavors. From my own experiences, I have discovered the people you hitch your wagon to can cause you to really question your own character, and in some cases, dumb you down.

Does your worldview correlate with mine? As notoriously introverted as I am, I still have a reputation for being open-minded and to some people, which has led me to be a common target of derision. Nothing new; I’ve dealt with the bad behavior over the past quarter-century or so. I’ve lived in different places, cobbled together an odd career path, experienced different things, and in 85% of my interactions, I have been a pilgrim in a wilderness too dangerous to venture sans armor. As an outsider, I tend to embrace those who understand those parts of my journey are what have made me or at the very least, pique my interests. Just as I’ll reject demagoguery, those who cannot offer intangibles are unworthy of my time and energy.

What do you talk about? The subjects you discuss do matter to me. While I do enjoy seeing pictures of your families, lovely homes, vacations, and assorted life events, they should not be the only things you ever talk about. I’m looking for well-rounded friends, not people who fit neatly in Mitt Romney’s binders within one category of another. Obviously if your comments primarily center on the television, the next party, hatred of the current President, and what amounts to covert racism (none of you are hopefully crass enough to make blatant comments), then you must be dismissed from the group. As a retired sports fan, it is refreshing not to live and die for the next ESPN update on the Boston Red Sox or Miami Heat – David Ortiz isn’t making my mortgage payments, nor Dwyane Wade is paying off our cars and credit cards. Be varied.

I acknowledge that no one is perfect, but do me a huge favor and spell-check your posts before pressing send. I’ll forgive you, but if you cannot figure out when to use there/they’re/their and your/you’re properly, I’ll make certain to buy you a dictionary with a thesaurus at Christmas or your birthday. If that continues, I’ll simply unfriend you.

Who Am I? I’ll use my Twitter bio (@cedteaches) to tell you. Keep in mind it is not all-inclusive, but pretty accurate: practicing Christian, Chastity’s husband, Kenneth and Karen’s son, Alan’s brother, uncle, friend, retired sports fan, Afrocentric, lifelong workaholic, beer nerd, and probably the most socially awkward person you know.

Dad By Example, Not Just Words

Eight years ago, I had the opportunity to take my dad to the drag races and accompanying car show in Little Rock. While the “drag strip” was truthfully a quarter-mile stretch of broken concrete extending two blocks at Barton Coliseum, it gave pause of what kind of man I grew up with; as his firstborn, I say thanks. It was one of the most fun days in our adult lives, perusing one custom car after another, admiring the work others put into their own vehicles and allowing our inner gearheads to come out in this element. That mostly cloudy August day took me back to those now-realistic stories of the man with the yellow ’67 Camaro owning Carlisle in the days before I was born, indicating he wasn’t always just pop. Most of what I learned about being a man, I picked up from him by example. From digging the water line from the road to the house and enduring the community taunts to becoming a grill master, I owe Kenneth a lot. Over the past few years, I’ve only begun to fully grasp the magnitude of everything he taught us and value in my own life, as evidenced by his mortality: the virtue of patience (fishing); what good music really is – and how to break Columbia House with the twelve CDs/tapes for a penny; how to use power tools safely; making Pinewood Derby race cars more aerodynamic than the competition meaning we would dominate race day; saving for a rainy day; having a grounded moral compass in an interfaith marriage (he’s Catholic, Mom is Baptist); embracing debate/diversified opinions  even when it is contrary to our views; and most importantly, being a good example for Alan and me to emulate.

Paul urged fathers not to take their personal failings out on their children, rather to bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). It doesn’t mean he couldn’t lay the wood when we messed up just teach us where we went wrong. Funny how that belt did a way of correcting two boys quickly. Dad isn’t perfect, but he is consistent in what he says and does. A great power for good is at work when our actions reflect the character of God, rather than distort it.  

That’s challenging stuff for any parent, so Paul stresses them to remain strong in the Lord and the power of His might (Ephesians 6:10). Only through God’s strength can we reflect the love and patience of our Heavenly Father. They teach their children far more from how they live than what they say, and we honor our fathers for not only giving us life, but also showing up how to live.

When you see my dad, tell him thanks for a job well done.

If I Were 22 Again (If I Knew Then What I Know Now)

I turned 22 way back in December 2000, and after reading the LinkedIn posts of industry leaders, I thought about some of the things in retrospect I wished I had done instead – or better.

1. I would have learned how to play more and work less. Hard to do for someone who worked constantly from high school and throughout my college days, but I grew up poor and didn’t exactly have the luxury of play time.
2. I would have graduated on time with my class. That one extra year was my student loan.
3. Making social contacts beyond drinking buddies. As much as I love my fraternity brothers, none of them had the foggiest idea of how to connect with the real world apart from the keg. Few things are more embarrassing than returning to work at 7 am on Monday morning fresh from a three-day bender.
4. I would’ve been more humble. I was a cocky manager with ill-regard of my subordinates. Just because my superiors were morons didn’t mean I needed to reciprocate the treatment to my front-end personnel. By listening and coming with a hunger versus my already entitled attitude – I hadn’t really failed at anything at that point – I probably would’ve become a Wal-Mart store manager, with a few years to retirement.
5. I would’ve made more time for my friends. Thankfully Heath, Stephanie, Karen, and Chris have mostly lived within an hour of me for the past several years, and to this day they are my lifelong best friends. Because I worked all the time, I lost contact with almost everyone else: roommates, co-workers, study buddies. Back then, social media was a word-of-mouth invitation to the Thursday party at the Sig Ep house with my doppelganger Howard.
6. I would’ve stayed true to myself. More than anything else, I found myself losing my moral compass to be accepted by people who never really wanted me around. While I attended church and still ran the local trails as an escape, my relationship with God was essentially on hiatus.
7. I would’ve been more socially adept. Instead of trying to marry the first female who gave me a little more than the time of day, I would have sampled the world first. It’s hard to fathom how clueless I was when it came to people; at least I should’ve been privy to knowing that many folks have unsavory ulterior motives not limited to more embarrassment or empty pockets. It could’ve also saved me $1,400.
8. I would’ve found a mentor to keep me focused instead of the DIY approach. Many nights, I needed someone older to let me vent and/or ask questions to head the right way. Just because I was the smartest guy in the room didn’t mean I could forego help.
9. I would’ve been a better student. I should’ve taken greater advantage of lab hours and my instructors, but getting paid or laid – in any combination – took precedence. I was unlucky beyond the woman in #7, and Wal-Mart paychecks were paltry even then. That also extends to time management skills, of which I still help issue with.

Of course, I could probably think of more things, but those are relatively minor in comparison. The fact is, I adapted (slowly) and spent a lot of time face down before getting a clue and growing up. I am also pleased that I have evolved over the past thirteen years and am still around to reflect up on that era.

We Haven't Overcome Squat

The news has recently been rife with reprehensible racist comments, more notably from current right-wing favorite Cliven Bundy and former Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling. In this day and age, they both rightfully deserve to be ostracized for their words; after all, old dogs cannot learn new tricks because they choose not to. Sports fans know Sterling’s long history of bigotry given the multiple lawsuits from former employees and the US Justice Department. Yet no one cared to pay attention to a man who routinely brought women to the player’s locker room subjugating them to treatment of chattel slavery regarding of what he would say next. Anytime is an inopportune moment for racist comments – and for those remarks to come out during the franchise’s best NBA playoff season is not only embarrassing, but also time for the man to depart from the limelight. Strangely, his girlfriend who recorded the ten minute rant before selling it to TMZ is biracial – Mexican and black. Asking her to remove herself from minorities when is part of two groups was beyond ridiculous; had she complied, the woman would have been little more than a modern day mammy.

Bundy is a more direct case of deep-seated racism – and what I call a typical Republican voter. Allow me to clarify the statement: Not all Republicans are racist, but the majority of racists do vote Republican. From the onset, the rancher exhibited his prejudices for all to see after the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) backed off its threats to confiscate his land due to unpaid taxes. Once Fox News provided him the platform to open his mouth, what we saw was an unrepentant bigot too ignorant to realize his public shaming. Do we know people like Cliven Bundy? Yes, we do – I have attended school with them, worked with them, rented apartments from them, and met them through the daughters I dated before they were disowned. He was brazen enough to articulate his views of a world vastly different yet eerily similar to his own. How? Bundy hates federal subsidies like food stamps, yet he received grasslands at below-market values; he is also a benefactor of the Hoover Dam – as are all Clark County, Nevada residents, and indirectly was rewarded by the mining operations in the Silver State. How his actions contradict conservative dogma are the following: 1)using land without paying for it [theft]; and 2)disrespecting law enforcement [aren’t they the law and order people?] In turn, he is no better than the welfare queens he rails so vehemently against – a moocher, a taker. To further expand his comments about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., he may have gotten further had not one of Bundy’s ilk assassinated him some thirty-six years ago April 4. My response to his feigning ignorance:  Talk to us like normal human beings. Just because I’m a bit darker doesn’t mean I am less a man. Also, call me boy and see what happens.

Don’t get it twisted, we haven’t overcome squat.

Even here in Saline County, the county Democratic Party cannot get out of its own way. In a move normally associated with the county Republicans two blocks away, the Democrats invited all of its gubernatorial candidates to speak except for one: Doc Bryant. Why was this? Oversight? Long shot to challenge Mike Ross? Race? All the news release stated was a knock-kneed apology for the pass from party leaders. Sundown County never loved us, quoting Drake proving that they are no more accepting (in my eyes) than the other major political party in the area.

When I say we haven’t overcome squat, I mean all of the advances from our elders are going by the wayside thanks to complacency. People want to vote but must now carry ID and hours at the polls are reduced, with days eliminated. Although I support affirmative action at its core as I have been passed over routinely for promotions and improperly rewarded only to see my ideas implemented later within policy. While we are more apt to work, play, and eat together, date and marry each other, we are more prone to distractions meant to separate us including crass materialism, reality shows, carnal behaviors, etc. I cannot change every mind to become more inclusive and valuing of one another by myself, nor should that expectation that so many have of certain men to be perfect in order to be loved. I only ask that we try.

Can A Christian Drink Alcohol?

Note:  This is not my post, but one that was really interesting. Check it out and share your thoughts. 

-a.ced.a

CAN A CHRISTIAN DRINK ALCOHOL?

By Barry Cameron

September 19, 2012

Follow @BarryLCameron

On Monday night, news broke that Olympic gold medalist snowboarder, Shaun White, had been charged with vandalism and public intoxication. On my Facebook wall, I posted the following comment: “This just in . . . and the gold medal for character enhancement, once again, goes to alcohol.”

For years, well-meaning, sincere Christians have debated the subject of drinking. Let me be clear by saying there isn’t a single verse in the Bible that says a Christian cannot have a drink; although the Bible clearly warns about the destructive and addictive nature of alcohol (Proverbs 20:1; 21:17; 23:29-35; Ephesians 5:18) and is very clear that drunkenness is always wrong (Romans 13:13; Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Peter 4:3; Habakkuk 2:15; 1 Corinthians 5:11).

The Bible is also clear that mature Christians should avoid causing others to stumble by drinking (Romans 14:21), and that leaders ought to avoid drinking alcohol (Proverbs 31:4-7) and cannot be given to drunkenness (1 Timothy 3:3, 8 Titus 1:7.)

I have yet to hear from anyone who drinks how alcohol enhances anything or blesses anyone. Max Lucado said, “One thing for sure, I have never heard anyone say, ‘A beer makes me feel more Christlike . . . Fact of the matter is this: People don’t associate beer with Christian behavior.”1 I’ve yet to see how it improves someone’s testimony or makes anyone a more effective witness for Christ. Quite the contrary, like Shaun White mentioned above, or Richard Roberts, Oral Roberts’ son, who was arrested in Tulsa, Oklahoma, driving under the influence, the result doesn’t enhance your testimony. Rather, it takes away from what testimony you had.

Recently, a friend of mine, former mega-church Pastor, John Caldwell, wrote an article in Christian Standard magazine called To Drink or Not to Drink? Here’s the link to his article. John’s article explained why he has personally abstained from drinking alcohol and dealt with the bigger issue of the contemporary church becoming more and more like the world.

Not surprisingly, a number of people responded to John’s article and some called him to task for taking such a strong stand against drinking. In response to the responses, my good friend, Ken Idleman, former President of Ozark Christian College and now Pastor of Crossroads Christian Church in Evansville, IN, wrote these words, which are among the very best I’ve ever read on this issue. I asked Ken for his permission to share them here.

“Okay, I am conscience bound to weigh in on this one…. For a minute, forget about making a definitive case for or against ‘drinking’ from the Bible. Here’s the truth from logic and real life. No one starts out to be an alcoholic. Everyone begins with a defensive attitude saying, ‘I’m just a social drinker and there is nothing wrong with it!’ no one says, ‘It is my ambition that someday I want to lose my job, my health, my self-respect, my marriage and my family. Someday I want to be dependent on alcohol to get through my day.’ yet, this is the destination at which several millions of people have arrived. Why do you suppose that is? It is because alcohol is promoted and elevated as a normal/sophisticated activity in life…. It is also expensive, addictive and enslaving. People get hooked by America’s number one legal drug. And just like all illegal drugs, alcohol finds it way into the body, the bloodstream and the brain of the user/abuser.

I had two uncles whose lives were wrecked by alcohol. The exception you say? Hardly. It is not what they wanted when they dreamed of their futures when they were in their 20s. Praise God, they were wonderfully delivered in their 60s when the grace of God became real to them. And can you imagine it?…. They got their lives back by becoming total abstainers by the power of the Holy Spirit!

One of my most memorable conversations in the state penitentiary in Jefferson City, MO, was with a young man facing a 28-year prison sentence for the brutal sexual assault of his own 8-year old daughter. I will never forget the image. The tears literally ran off his chin and splashed on his shoes as he gushed, ‘I guess I did it. I don’t know. I was drunk at the time.’

Listen, some of those who are defensive in response to Dr. Caldwell’s thoughtful and courageous article will want to revise their text if, in a few years, they discover that they were able to handle their drinking just fine, but their son or daughter could not. Answer honestly. Could you live with the knowledge that your dangerous exercise of Christian liberty factored into your children’s ruin? Or, if your loved one is killed some day in a head on collision by a driver under the influence who crossed the center line, will you still be defensive of drinking?

A good friend during my growing up years was the only child of social drinking parents. When his folks were away, he would go to the rathskeller [German for tavern] in the basement where he developed a taste for alcohol. I won’t bore you with the details. He is 65 today. A broken life, broken health, broken marriages, a broken relationship with his only son, a broken relationship with his only grandchild, a broken career and a broken spirit that…. Tragically…. He tries daily to medicate with the alcohol that led him to this tragic destination.

Hey, thanks for indulging my rant. Like my friend John Caldwell, I confess to setting the bar high for Christian leadership [especially] when it comes to aesthetic holiness. Call me a ‘right-wing fundamentalist.’ Call me a ‘throw back to the days of the tent evangelists.’ Call me a ‘simpleton.’ Call me a ‘minimalist.’ but, if you do, go ahead and also call me a ‘watchman on the wall’ where the welfare of my family [children, in-laws, grandchildren] and my church family is concerned.”2

Personally, I’ve yet to have my first beer and have no desire to start now or to drink alcohol of any kind. At the same time, I don’t judge those who believe they have freedom in Christ to drink. But when asked, I always tell people I don’t believe it’s the best choice.

The bottom line is this: the question really isn’t CAN A CHRISTIAN DRINK? Rather, it is:SHOULD A CHRISTIAN DRINK?

© 2012. Barry L. Cameron

1 David Faust, Voices From The Hill, (Cincinnati, OH: Cincinnati Bible College & Seminary, 2003) 252.

2 John Caldwell, “To Drink or Not to Drink,” Christian Standard 11 August 2012, 18 September 2012.

It's A Hard Knock Life

When we are young, it is good to struggle hard and to sit silently alone,

if this is what the Lord intends. Being rubbed in the dirt can teach us a   lesson; we can also learn from insults and hard knocks. Lamentations 3:27-30

In 1998, rapper-turned-mogul Jay-Z released Volume 2...Hard Knock Life as the followup to the his classic debut album Reasonable Doubt, and the title track was called Hard Knock Life. It contained a sample from Annie - if you're scratching your head about who this precocious redheaded child is, perhaps you're too young - that goes like this:  It's a hard knock life for us, it's a hard knock life - for us. Instead of treated, we get tricked. Instead of kisses, we get kicked! It's a hard knock life. Regardless of who knocks us around - family, friends, co-workers, trolls, church folks - God does provide a plan to ease the burdens life bestows upon us. He also reminds us that this is only a season, so the temporal pain is not permanent contrary to popular belief.

In Lamentations, Isaiah the wailing prophet cries loudly not only for his own personal condition, but also that of Israel. His tears are akin to those shed upon receiving news of a death of a family member or close friend, reminding us that pain is a part of life we must endure. Is it fair that babies are stillborn when warmongers and rogue investors revel in one earthly victory after another? No. Nor is the expectation that once we all become Christians, life becomes Easy Street. In verses 27 and 28, the prophet indicates that it is good for young men to bear the yoke and take the lumps associated with life early so they can have something to look back on as a challenge met and subsequently conquered. There are times when it is better to remain silent about their travails - not everyone can understood the trouble in his eyes, much less empathize with him. For example, when a young couple breaks up, it is easy for one to trash the other person (trust me, I've done this) when he or she should look inward as they may have been the problem. Was she overbearing? Is he a mama's boy? Infidelity? Or did they simply drift apart? Any count, if the man does not heed the lesson, he may inevitably repeat it. It also means not eveything is for everybody. Don't let your valleys overshadow your peaks. 

Conversely, Isaiah finds a glimmer of hope through prayer (verse 29) and forgiveness (verse 30). When he is so down in his life, suicide is not seen as a viable escape, nor does he wallow in the pig sty of self-pity and destructive behavior. Instead, he prays! He's already been knocked down there, so why not pray? Having - or reestablishing - a relationship with God worth sustaining does not mean wail til he gets out of his situation and forget about Him; this is a series of conversations that evolve from ice breaker to a deep bond. Through prayer, he not only finds deliverance, but also a new best friend in God. 
Even in this life of hard knocks, we still learn to forgive. As the idea Dr. King once espoused of getting punched in the face and responding nonviolently by turning the other cheek shows a level of contempt toward his offender, the prophet implicitly censures his tormentor. For us, it could have been a fistfight of epic proportions. You can beat me, you can even kill me, but I forgive you. Although the American legal system is flawed against black men, history will one day prove that the antagonists will be revealed and paraded around a la Cersei Lannister in the end of Game of Thrones.

In times such as these, it is refreshing that God is just and fair despite the perception that no one cares as we are getting piled on. Trouble don't last always, no, no no. 

Mother's Day For the Childless Couple

Before you get too angry with me after reading this blog, allow me to explain the title. I’m not bitter by any means for not having any children yet (I still believe God’s Will to manifest itself when the time comes - AND ONLY THEN), but I’m not one to lessen the significance of the day. I am eternally grateful for the women in my family, particularly Grandma Dorothy, my own mom Karen, and mother-in-law Edna for giving the gift of life; without them, there certainly would be no us. I also am blessed to be part of some epically large families and super friends that love on their own children as well as each other. Thanks for being able to carry, nurture, parent, and give unconditional love even if those kids are getting on your final nerves, they still run to Mom as that superhero who fixes boo-boos and dinner alike.

My current beef with Mother’s Day is not the overzealous commercialization of the second Sunday in May, rather the manner in with it subjugates childless couples as lesser than those with children. Some of us are unintentionally reminded of that struggle with questions such as “what’s wrong?” “Ya shootin’ blanks?” When are y’all gonna start having kids?” “What are you waiting for?” and so forth. Admittedly, it is one area where we can stand to have a bit more faith in God’s program. People have even asked us about adoption – it’s great and all, I’m sure – but even that has become an industry within itself; I’d really rather go it the old-fashioned way. All I can do is trust God, for He knows what is best for Chastity and me.

In the Bible, stories of childless couples being rewarded in old age with healthy babies aim to encourage me except when they do not. Nothing against Sarah and Abraham and Zechariah and Elizabeth, but I want to be able to play with my child without having to stop every few minutes to catch my breath or pick him or her up without my back reminding me days later. I don’t want to burden then with having to care for elderly parents just as they start finding themselves as fully functioning adults either. But maybe this is my selfish desire. All I wanted to do was be prepared and able to provide a loving, stable home for my family and give my children every opportunity to succeed – note I did not say every pair of Air Jordan sneakers ever, nor a brand new car at sixteen or any of the extensive materialistic things out there. Again, my faith falls short because this is not how it is supposed to be – happily married in our mid-thirties and struggling to have our own family.

While people fawn over their own mothers – and I would do the same if I did not have to work this weekend – Mother’s Day becomes that day of frustration. Instead of the day keeping its original intent of showing our mothers/wives/sisters/grandmothers appreciation for carrying and giving birth to all of us, it has become a bit of a money grab. The radio is going to play 2Pac’s Dear Mama and Boyz II Men’s A Song For Mama all day long, and the floral industry will make a sizable chunk of profit. A few years ago, we decided that Mother’s Day would also become Punkin Day as a result of the isolation and unintended subjugation of being childless by well-meaning family members and friends. I would mail out Mother’s Day cards earlier in the week, make the obligatory phone calls on that day, and if I were fortunate enough to have the day off, go do something for her such as lunch at a good Japanese steakhouse and pedicure all in another day to display my love for Chastity my wife and best friend.

Sidebar: Punkin is my wife Chastity's nickname.

I recently posted an article on my Twitter page (@cedteaches) about the ten things you should NEVER say to childless friends, and this is the link. http://glo.msn.com/relationships/10-things-never-to-say-to-childless-friends-1534684.story 

Warning: The next time anyone dares to ask why we do not have children yet, I’m giving out knuckle sandwiches.